“It has been said, ‘time heals all wombs.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
Rose Kennedy said that. It’s one of my favorite quotes now. I wonder how much time it’s going to take to heal my most recent wombs.
The clinic was very dated. It wasn’t dirty but it looked like it was falling apart. There were 25 women in the waiting room, including myself. All filling out the same paper work, all there for the same reason. I got sad everytime I had to write the date on my paper. Because today was my birthday.
It was quiet. I wished that at least one girl would lean over and joke with me about being there. Maybe lighten up the mood a bit or make me feel better about what I was about to do.
I was surprised to see that most of the women were older then me. I expected a bunch of dumb teenagers. I guess everyone makes mistakes though. I wish I had just one friend to tell me it was okay. That what I was doing didn’t make me a monster.
Finally they called my name and I jumped up to follow the nurse. She was very sweet the way she smiled at me. It made me feel better.
” Take everything off from the waste down and have a seat. I will be back in just a minute.” The nurse said. I can’t remember her name.
I hated wearing paper gowns because I was too big for them to cover me completly. I tried to manuver it to cover my private parts at least and deal with my theigh meat hanging out.
My mom told me not to cry. Because if I did they may think it’s not what I want. It is what I want. I have absolutly no doubt. So I fought back the tears as well as I could.
” Okay I’m going to have you lay back.” The nurse said.
She took what looked like a wand and slowly stuck it inside me.
She explained that this was a vaginal ultrasound. I already knew what it was because I had just seen the same thing being done on an episode of ” 16 and pregnant”. But I was not 16 and pregnant.
I was 21 and having an abortion.
She started pushing buttons on the computer and I squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could. I didn’t want to risk seeing anything on the screen. Anything that might make this harder for me. I was a big believer in what you didn’t know can’t hurt you. I wanted to know as little as possible.
” Well I can’t see anything so lets do this the old fashioned way.”
It took her a minute and I started getting nervous and hopeful that maybe there was no heart beat. Maybe I hadnt of been pregnant after all and I can just go home. Or maybe its twins. I could feel my heart racing. Please God, No..
” Your further along then you thought you were thats all.” She said with a smile.
” How far ..” I asked.
” Fourteen weeks”.
Wow I thought. I couldn’t believe I was 3 months pregnant. How could I have not known. Have I waited too long?
” Um.. is it too far “? I asked.
” No honey but it will cost more”.
” Can I talk to my mom”?
” Of course”.
I ran down to the waiting room. She wasn’t in the first one. I went to the second one. I had big fat tears in my eyes. I didn’t want the other women to see. My mom looked up at me and I waved for her to come..
I made her chase me into the bathroom. “Whats wrong” she asked.
” Fourteen weeks..” I said tears streaming down my face.
I quickly prayed to God that my mother wouldnt crack or tell me I should leave because if she would have showed me any sign of doubt I would have left, for her.
” Oh god.. ” She paused.. ” What do you want to do.. what was your first honest reaction when she told you..” my mom asked me.
” That I was terrified I had waited too long and I would be forced to stay pregnant! I don’t want it.. But she said it cost more.. can you pay for it”?
” Yes if thats what you want”..
I had been sick for weeks now. I figured I was getting a bug from work or something. I was cashiering at a local grocerie store. The job was so repeditive and I desperatly needed some new excitement in life. The only thing exciting in my life was my new relationship. I was in love. We had gone to high school together but never paid attention to each other until recently. We had been together for 5 months now. Still in the cupcake stage, I looked forward to having him at my apartment when I came home. I had some one to come home to finally.
One night after working late I came home to a very smoky apartment. He had cooked for me and rented us a movie. The food was’nt perfect but he was.
And I was as happy as I could be. Being with him made life worth living. I didn’t care that my dad hated the idea and that my mom would always side with my dad even when she knew he was wrong. This boy was everything to me. My best friend and my lover.
He was 21, tall, dark and handsome. He was silly like me too. I called him Boo. He had been living with his mother before he got with me. Now he floats between my apartment and his moms house. He didn’t have a car so I ended up taking him to work most of the time. I had just dropped him off at work one night when I had to rush home to throw up.
I couldn’t get over this sickness. And I had even started losing weight. I decided to tell him about it via text message. He text me back :
” Baby take a test”.
He meant a pregnancy test. He’s crazy I thought. I had been on the pill for a while now. I hadnt even missed a period yet. I decided to take one anyways just to ease my mind. I peed on the little digital stick and I left it in the bathroom. You were suppose to wait three minutes. An hour past by and I had forgotten all about it until I had another text from him saying ” What did the test say”.
I got up to go check and from across the room I could read it clearly. I couldn’t believe it. I snatched the test off the side of the tub and it felt heavy like a ticking time bomb about to explode in my face.
It read : PREGNANT 3+
3+ ?? I dug the instructions out of the trash and read what exactly the 3 stood for. It meant 3 weeks plus. I was more then 3 weeks pregnant.
The bathroom started spinning. I couldnt feel my body. All I could hear was a heart beating. Was it my heart?
By the next week I had told pretty much everybody I thought I needed to tell. I could barely make it to work I was so sick. Boo had lost his job. I was so unhappy. Everyday I tried to pretend my life was back to normal but i couldnt hold on to normal as long as I was throwing up two, three sometimes five times a day. I was so stressed out. How was I going to afford this working as a cashier part time. My apartment was too small. I weighed myself every hour scared to death I was going to gain weight. I had actually lost 15 pounds. I became obsessed with the mirror terrified I was going to start showing. I didn’t want any of this.
I was constantly fighting with my love over every small thing. He would scream at me ” whats wrong with you”!?
I’d scream back ” I dont know! Im fucked up okay!”
I had tiny red bumps and hives all over my chest, moving over my shoulders and down my back. They itched and burned. The doctor said it was horomones and I was stressing myself out too much.
He always wanted to talk about baby names. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. I hated myself. I felt trapped. The idea of a baby scared the shit out of me. I can’t be a mother. I wasn’t done being a child.
My love was trying so hard to make it easier. He would bring home ginger ale and crackers. He was so happy to be a ” dad”..
I wished I could be a good person, a good women and give him what he wants but my world was crashing down on me. My mom took me shopping to look at baby stuff to get ideas. If only she knew how I was really feeling. I tried so hard to love the idea.
Even sleep started to stress me out. I began dreaming of babies. Tons of babies crawling all over me screaming. Babies with missing arms and legs. Babies bleeding all over the place and I can’t help them. I can’t comfort them and I didn’t want to. I would use my fingers to try and peice the babies body parts back together. I just wanted them to leave me alone.
My relationship was falling apart. My life was falling apartment. I felt like I was melting. I often thought about ” solutions “.
I wanted to die but I knew i’d never be able to kill myself. I was too weak minded or too afraid of hell. I could hear the devil all around me but I didn’t want to meet him face to face. If only I could be in an accident.. I day dream about driving my truck in front of a semi.
I day dream about driving my truck off a bridge. Getting kidnapped and killed. So the blame would be on the bad guys and not me. I thought if I could ever save enough money to hire a hit man, I would have him take me out. Unexpectandly.. making it look like the perfect accident for my mother. So she would never have to know how desperate I wanted to die. No one would ever have to know how I really feel. Maybe I could have the thing. Suffer through it then leave it on my moms front porch and run away. Go hide some where and die. Maybe theyd never find my body and this thing inside me wouldnt be as fucked up as I was. But maybe it would be worse. Maybe it would grow up and destroy the world.
I think the only thing keeping me from killing myself is the fear of the devil.
The only way I can save the world, the only way I can save this child is to give it back to God.
to be continued