Fourteen Weeks

Fourteen Weeks

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wombs.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
Rose Kennedy said that. It’s one of my favorite quotes now. I wonder how much time it’s going to take to heal my most recent wombs.
The clinic was very dated. It wasn’t dirty but it looked like it was falling apart. There were 25 women in the waiting room, including myself. All filling out the same paper work, all there for the same reason. I got sad everytime I had to write the date on my paper. Because today was my birthday.
It was quiet. I wished that at least one girl would lean over and joke with me about being there. Maybe lighten up the mood a bit or make me feel better about what I was about to do.
I was surprised to see that most of the women were older then me. I expected a bunch of dumb teenagers. I guess everyone makes mistakes though. I wish I had just one friend to tell me it was okay. That what I was doing didn’t make me a monster.
Finally they called my name and I jumped up to follow the nurse. She was very sweet the way she smiled at me. It made me feel better.
” Take everything off from the waste down and have a seat. I will be back in just a minute.” The nurse said. I can’t remember her name.
I hated wearing paper gowns because I was too big for them to cover me completly. I tried to manuver it to cover my private parts at least and deal with my theigh meat hanging out.
My mom told me not to cry. Because if I did they may think it’s not what I want. It is what I want. I have absolutly no doubt. So I fought back the tears as well as I could.
” Okay I’m going to have you lay back.” The nurse said.
She took what looked like a wand and slowly stuck it inside me.
She explained that this was a vaginal ultrasound. I already knew what it was because I had just seen the same thing being done on an episode of ” 16 and pregnant”. But I was not 16 and pregnant.
I was 21 and having an abortion.
She started pushing buttons on the computer and I squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could. I didn’t want to risk seeing anything on the screen. Anything that might make this harder for me. I was a big believer in what you didn’t know can’t hurt you. I wanted to know as little as possible.
” Well I can’t see anything so lets do this the old fashioned way.”
It took her a minute and I started getting nervous and hopeful that maybe there was no heart beat. Maybe I hadnt of been pregnant after all and I can just go home. Or maybe its twins. I could feel my heart racing. Please God, No..
” Your further along then you thought you were thats all.” She said with a smile.
” How far ..” I asked.
” Fourteen weeks”.
Wow I thought. I couldn’t believe I was 3 months pregnant. How could I have not known. Have I waited too long?
” Um.. is it too far “? I asked.
” No honey but it will cost more”.
” Can I talk to my mom”?
” Of course”.
I ran down to the waiting room. She wasn’t in the first one. I went to the second one. I had big fat tears in my eyes. I didn’t want the other women to see. My mom looked up at me and I waved for her to come..
I made her chase me into the bathroom. “Whats wrong” she asked.
” Fourteen weeks..” I said tears streaming down my face.
I quickly prayed to God that my mother wouldnt crack or tell me I should leave because if she would have showed me any sign of doubt I would have left, for her.
” Oh god.. ” She paused.. ” What do you want to do.. what was your first honest reaction when she told you..” my mom asked me.
” That I was terrified I had waited too long and I would be forced to stay pregnant! I don’t want it.. But she said it cost more.. can you pay for it”?
” Yes if thats what you want”..
I had been sick for weeks now. I figured I was getting a bug from work or something. I was cashiering at a local grocerie store. The job was so repeditive and I desperatly needed some new excitement in life. The only thing exciting in my life was my new relationship. I was in love. We had gone to high school together but never paid attention to each other until recently. We had been together for 5 months now. Still in the cupcake stage, I looked forward to having him at my apartment when I came home. I had some one to come home to finally.
One night after working late I came home to a very smoky apartment. He had cooked for me and rented us a movie. The food was’nt perfect but he was.
And I was as happy as I could be. Being with him made life worth living. I didn’t care that my dad hated the idea and that my mom would always side with my dad even when she knew he was wrong. This boy was everything to me. My best friend and my lover.
He was 21, tall, dark and handsome. He was silly like me too. I called him Boo. He had been living with his mother before he got with me. Now he floats between my apartment and his moms house. He didn’t have a car so I ended up taking him to work most of the time. I had just dropped him off at work one night when I had to rush home to throw up.
I couldn’t get over this sickness. And I had even started losing weight. I decided to tell him about it via text message. He text me back :
” Baby take a test”.
He meant a pregnancy test. He’s crazy I thought. I had been on the pill for a while now. I hadnt even missed a period yet. I decided to take one anyways just to ease my mind. I peed on the little digital stick and I left it in the bathroom. You were suppose to wait three minutes. An hour past by and I had forgotten all about it until I had another text from him saying ” What did the test say”.
I got up to go check and from across the room I could read it clearly. I couldn’t believe it. I snatched the test off the side of the tub and it felt heavy like a ticking time bomb about to explode in my face.
It read : PREGNANT 3+
3+ ?? I dug the instructions out of the trash and read what exactly the 3 stood for. It meant 3 weeks plus. I was more then 3 weeks pregnant.
The bathroom started spinning. I couldnt feel my body. All I could hear was a heart beating. Was it my heart?
By the next week I had told pretty much everybody I thought I needed to tell. I could barely make it to work I was so sick. Boo had lost his job. I was so unhappy. Everyday I tried to pretend my life was back to normal but i couldnt hold on to normal as long as I was throwing up two, three sometimes five times a day. I was so stressed out. How was I going to afford this working as a cashier part time. My apartment was too small. I weighed myself every hour scared to death I was going to gain weight. I had actually lost 15 pounds. I became obsessed with the mirror terrified I was going to start showing. I didn’t want any of this.
I was constantly fighting with my love over every small thing. He would scream at me ” whats wrong with you”!?
I’d scream back ” I dont know! Im fucked up okay!”
I had tiny red bumps and hives all over my chest, moving over my shoulders and down my back. They itched and burned. The doctor said it was horomones and I was stressing myself out too much.
He always wanted to talk about baby names. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. I hated myself. I felt trapped. The idea of a baby scared the shit out of me. I can’t be a mother. I wasn’t done being a child.
My love was trying so hard to make it easier. He would bring home ginger ale and crackers. He was so happy to be a ” dad”..
I wished I could be a good person, a good women and give him what he wants but my world was crashing down on me. My mom took me shopping to look at baby stuff to get ideas. If only she knew how I was really feeling. I tried so hard to love the idea.
Even sleep started to stress me out. I began dreaming of babies. Tons of babies crawling all over me screaming. Babies with missing arms and legs. Babies bleeding all over the place and I can’t help them. I can’t comfort them and I didn’t want to. I would use my fingers to try and peice the babies body parts back together. I just wanted them to leave me alone.
My relationship was falling apart. My life was falling apartment. I felt like I was melting. I often thought about ” solutions “.
I wanted to die but I knew i’d never be able to kill myself. I was too weak minded or too afraid of hell. I could hear the devil all around me but I didn’t want to meet him face to face. If only I could be in an accident.. I day dream about driving my truck in front of a semi.
I day dream about driving my truck off a bridge. Getting kidnapped and killed. So the blame would be on the bad guys and not me. I thought if I could ever save enough money to hire a hit man, I would have him take me out. Unexpectandly.. making it look like the perfect accident for my mother. So she would never have to know how desperate I wanted to die. No one would ever have to know how I really feel. Maybe I could have the thing. Suffer through it then leave it on my moms front porch and run away. Go hide some where and die. Maybe theyd never find my body and this thing inside me wouldnt be as fucked up as I was. But maybe it would be worse. Maybe it would grow up and destroy the world.
I think the only thing keeping me from killing myself is the fear of the devil.
The only way I can save the world, the only way I can save this child is to give it back to God.

to be continued



The start of a story im working on … (updated)

Little Sister

My big brother was sent away after he tried to kill me. I don’t remember much about that night. Just a lot of burning in my throat while he sat on the pillow covering my head. I remember my mouth being open but I wasn’t able to scream. Darkness was my next memory. Our adopted parents later told me that when they found us I wasn’t even trying to get away. My body was limp. They thought I was dead.
I wasn’t mad at my big brother because I knew he wasn’t the one trying to kill me. The monster that lived inside him told him to do it. This monster lived with us, played with us. He often bossed my brother around. He would tell him to go sit in the middle of the road and wait on a car to run him over. The monster would take his finger nails and run them down my brothers face over and over until it bled. He would slam his head on the floor and against walls. I was never afraid of him because I had my big brother to protect me. He wouldn’t let the monster hurt me. When he was forced to destroy all the dishes in the kitchen he made sure to avoid throwing them at me. After every fit he would tell me “sissy I’m sorry”. The teachers at school say he’s mentally retarded and has severe explosive anger disorder. Everyday was a struggle as he had to learn how to behave. Our parents would argue that he knows better then to act out so badly but the monster had full control on him.

When fits would break out I was taught to run into the bathroom and lock the door and just wait until everything was back to normal. Our parents would have to get really physical sometimes to stop him. I could hear sounds of screaming, glass breaking. The sound of the couch being pushed around. From inside the bathroom you would find me crouched down inside the laundry bin cabinets hugging my knees to my chest. I wasn’t confidant that the lock on the door would keep the monster from coming in. He made my brother do awful things. It got to the point of not being able to leave the house because the monster tried to push me out of the moving car. My big brother couldn’t protect me as well as before. He was becoming the monster.
When I was seven years old I found myself sitting on my knees in the bedroom playing with my barbie dolls when I realized my brother wasn’t ever coming back. Maria and Frankie tried really hard but they failed to see the real problem with in Thomas. They got rid of him but they left the monster in the house.
Brushing my barbie dolls hair out…” Im not afraid of you monster”.
I have no memory of interacting with Maria and Frankie was never home. At school I was very quiet. So quiet that they put me in a special educations class. Maria told them they were wrong. That I was not “special”, I was very intelligent, they’ll see. There was two teachers in this new class. The other kids looked funny and a lot of them drooled all over themselves. I knew I wasn’t like them but I wasn’t big into talking either so people assumed I was stupid. The teachers had us sit in a circle with books. The main teacher, Ms. Meadows, sat in a chair above us like a queen. A queen of stupid kids. As she read I read to myself going ahead of her. The other teacher kept taking my book and turning back my pages. I turned them back to the page I was reading.
“Honey, follow along”. I ignored her.
” Kaye, why are you misbehaving” Ms. Meadows asked.
” Im reading ”
I was the very last child to get off the school bus in the afternoons. I usually fell asleep. Mr. Sims, the bus driver was very kind to me. Waking me up gently when we got to my house. Helping me down the stairs, waiting until he saw my mother appear at the top of the hill before driving away. I dont remember having dinner with family, being dressed for school, being made to do home work. I spent my afternoons behind closed doors with monster. He was becoming a friend. He knew he couldn’t control me so he joined me and together we played with dolls. I was too strong for him unlike my brother. He taught me how to feed myself. How to wash my own clothes. How to turn the shower on and make sure its not too hot. He is a very jealous monster. Keeping me all to himself. He would often drag me out into the woods behind the house and we would stay out so long I would fall asleep on the ground. Waking up in the middle of the night unafraid. There were no rules.

The pencils they made us use in class were way to big for my hands. They were teaching us how to write the letter ” A”. Upper case and lower case repetively all over the page. I finished first of course and when Ms. Meadows noticed I had put my pencil down she ran over to see what was up. She took one look at my paper and said ” Oh no Honey, here..”
She started erasing the whole page and this pissed me off. I didn’t say anything while she showed me the right way. She drew a circle then put a straight line next to it. It looked odd to me. I liked my ” A “s much better. An oval with a little tail. I sloppily drew the rest of the “A”s the way she wanted me to. When I was done I sat my pencil down. I sat quietly until the next project of the day began. School seemed too easy. Then I would remember that I was in the “stupid” class of course its easy. I had no real life friends because the kids were just so strange. The next project consisted of us all taking our shoes off so the teachers could trace our feet on a sheet of colorful paper to later turn into turkeys. I was embarrased. I had big feet for a little girl.
The project was interupted when a woman walked in. Another teacher. Her name was Mrs. Masingail. She was a big women with very long dark curls covering her head and shoulders. She was much prettier then Ms.Meadows. I was interested in her. Ms.Meadows grabbed my hand and walked me over to her. I didn’t want to hold hands back with her but I didnt feel I had much of a choice.
” Sweetheart, would you like to come with me for the rest of the day”? holding out her hand to me. I didnt say anything. I didn’t know exactly what they wanted me to do so I just took her hand. She walked me down the hall just 3 doors down and she drug me into another classroom. There were no children in there but I knew there had been because backpacks hung from every chair. I wondered where all the kids went. She sat me at a table in the very back of the room. The table was covered with books. She asked me to pick one out. The first one I layed my eyes on had a cat on the cover. I pulled on it until it fell in front of me. I had kittens at home. I like cats very much so this one would work. She smiled like I had just done something grand.
” Thats a great choice sweetheart, now can you open it for me, to the first page.”
I did this.
Still smiling ” Kaye, can you read to me the first sentence on the page.”
I really didn’t want to speak, it made me anxious but I liked her and I wanted to keep her smiling at me so I read ” The.. cat ran.. up.. the tree”.
” Keep going …”
I read to Mrs.Masingail for what seemed like forever. Finally she put the books away and we began doing some addition and subtraction math problems. I was relieved because all the talking exhausted me. It was basic stuff. Two plus two equals four type questions. I was kind of frustrated that I had to do all this work while the other kids got to stay in class making feet turkeys. That night at the house I noticed my parents talking about me and school. Mom was saying things like ” I knew they would.. I told them this would happen.”
The next day at school I realized what mom was talking about. I was pulled out of the stupid class and put into a regular class. Mrs.Masingails class. I was very happy. She introduced me, telling the class that I was transferring from another class into this one and to make me feel welcome. Right off I noticed a change in these kids. They looked normal. No drooling. They all starred at me though. It worried me that maybe I looked strange to them. The girl sitting next to me had dark skin and dark hair. I thought she was pretty. But she wasnt smiling. Her name was Kenya. I talked about her and Mrs.Masingail to monster after school. He told me not to talk to them. I didn’t know how I felt.
Along with my new normal class I was also enrolled into speech therapy. Apparently I had a horrible speech impediment. Im assuming it played a big roll into making people think I was stupid. My speech therapy teacher was a little odd and she fed us ladder shaped cheeze-its when we would enunciate correctly. There were four other kids in the class. None as bad off as me. My parents said I always talked funny. Since I was a baby. They don’t know why. They got me when I was one. Thomas was four.
Ms. Banks was older and wore big glasses. She was very patient with us. I think I was her favorite because I never talked back. Out loud anyways. The kids in this class were all mean. LIke they were trying to compensate for something. They knew they were messed up. It didn’t bother me like it bothered them. I let them be mean to me.
Hunter was one of the kids. I liked the way he looked. Brown hair, big eyes, big teeth, round baby face. ” So I heard you came out of the retards class”! He said looking at me. The other kids laughed. The teacher snapped her fingers in his face ” HUNTER!”
” What!? Im just asking …”
” Hush it up right now young man”
I knew the kids thought I was weird but I didnt mind it. It took the pressure off of trying to fit in and make friends. Monster tells me that i am so much smarter then them. They will never have the kind of understandings that I have”.
” Im all the friend you need”. He tells me.
One by one the kids graduated out of the speech therapy class. I was the only one left. Ms. Banks knew I was better but she didn’t want to let me go. I didn’t want to go. She let me stay in her class for a long time. It was just us everyday. We eventually stopped doing the workbooks. She fed me and bought me sodas out of the teachers lounge. I help her clean her desk off and I ran errands with her around the school. When I walked with her I was shielded from bullies. I definitely didn’t want to be caught alone outside of a classroom.
I made straights A’s in everything. I was constantly getting awarded for good behavior. Meaning as long as you keep quiet people assume your just sweet. They don’t know how you really think of them. I liked that. I got to hold the american flag in class in the mornings while we said the pledge of allegiance. I just mouthed the words. So the teacher didnt think I was being bad. I thought Mrs. Masingail was fat but pretty. Turns out she wasnt fat. She was having a baby. She told us that she was expecting a boy and she was going to be naming him Ethan. The class was in an uproar of excitement for her. I sat back quietly. A couple kids bumped into my desk and it pissed me off.
“Kaye, Sweetie, what do you think” she asked me. ” I don’t like boys” I said.
Her smiled faded and I instantly felt bad. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. Thats the last memory I have of her. Because she disappeared. Maternity leave. I graduated the first grade.

Chapter Two: A sense of family
Frankies parents had been living with us for a couple years when my mom found out she was pregnant. Now they have to move out to make room for the baby. I was glad to see them leave. The old man was nice enough, he took moms spot waiting at the top of the hill when i get off the bus. The old lady was unbearable. I was always left at home alone with her.
” Children are to be seen not heard” She would say.
Worked for me, I dont like to talk. But that didn’t keep her from finding a reason to bitched at me. I wasn’t allowed to do anything. She picked out my clothes for school. She demanded we have a sit down dinner each night. It was like walking on egg shells. If my silverwear clinked against my plate she would glare at me. I had to eat everything even if I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t allowed to go in the kitchen unless I was helping her clean. ” Spare the rod spoil the child” is what she told my mother.
Maria didn’t agree with her. Sometimes she would intervene. Then her and dad would get into a fight and it all came back around to being my fault. I had spent the whole day in the woods with monster when Dorah called me up to the house. ” Go get cleaned up for dinner” she barked.
I changed out of my blue shorts and tank top and into my pjs. I felt itchy from playing in the dirt. I was trying to get onto the family computer to play solitaire when she walked in the room slow and creepy.
” What” I snapped. “What the HELL is this!?” She screamed throwing my blue shorts at me. Before I realized what she was talking about I was being forcfully dragged into the kitchen by my arms. She turned the hot water on in the sink and started filling it with soap. I still didn’t know what I had done wrong. ” Do you know I do your laundry every day”!
She slammed a chair up against the sink. ” And what do you do! You get grass stains all over your shorts! Do you know how hard it is to get those out!?”
I couldn’t believe she was serious. But she was. She shoved me onto the chair. If I stood on my knees I was tall enough to use the sink.
” Wash the stains out!” I stuffed the shorts under the water.
I pulled my hands away quickly. The water was too hot. This must have offended her because she grabbed my hands and used me as a puppet to rub the stains out.
” Don’t you dare leave this spot until those stains are gone”.
It was dark outside when mom came in through the back door.
” what are you doing” She asked me.
” trying to get these grass stains out”..
MY hands where raw. My knuckles nearly bleeding. At least the water had cooled down. I could tell mom was very unhappy. She drained the sink and told me to go play.
I was over joyed the day mom came home and told me they had found a house for the grandparents. She knew it would make me happy. We even high fived. Im assuming she was sick of them too. I was so happy to get my little family back. It was short lived though.

It all came crashing back down on me when mom was showing me an ultrasound video of a skeleton baby. We were watching it then at the top all of a sudden it said ” ITS A BOY”. I don’t like boys. But I didn’t tell her that. Her belly got really big. She cried everytime she stepped on the scale. She had a fat face all of a sudden. I don’t know why she was so happy. We were sitting on her bed when she asked me what I think we should name the baby. ” Matty ” I said. She liked it.
I had thought of that name because my favorite t.v show was about this sister and her little brother named Matty. The sister looked like me. We both had blonde hair and blue eyes. But she insisted to every one that she picked the name out of the bible. I was old enough to know what I lie was.
I got off the bus to find my grandfather parked at the bottom of the hill. I instantly knew the baby was here. I got in the car and we headed to the hospital. I found my dad standing my a big glass window. Looking in at all the babies. Im surprised there were so many.
” Which one do you think he is”? he asked me. I noticed a baby that was the color of a tomato and I was hoping that wasn’t the one. I shrugged my shoulders. In my moms hospital room I had to be on my best behavior because Dorah was there. I sat in a chair and spaced out. When they brought the baby in he was completely wrapped up. I couldn’t see him and I didn’t really care to. After twenty minutes of oooing and awwing my mom asked me if I wanted to hold him. I said no.
Then some one pulled out a camera and my dad made me go stand by the hospital bed to take a photo with mom and the baby. Mom looked horrible. Why was she so happy? The once quiet home was filled with the screaming demands of a new born. As soon as I walked in from school I was put on baby duty. Making bottles, changing diapers, keeping him from crying so he wouldn’t wake mom and get me in trouble. When I got tired of holding him I would shove his tiny body in between the couch cushions so he wouldnt fall over. I don’t think he minded. Monster felt neglected. I tried inclusing the baby into our games but he wasnt having it. He was a jealous monster. He told me he wasn’t going to be my friend any more because of the baby. I ignored him for a while. My life was nothing but school, and baby. The only time I could get away was to lock myself in the bathroom like I had done a million times before and pretend that I was pooping or taking a bath. Then mom started sticking the baby in the tub with me and I had to watch him then too. He would scream at night so badly that dad would leave. I lay awake in my bed counting down the minutes until I had to go to school again.
In class we were working on mothers day books. We had to color a differant picture on each page and answer questions on others. The front of mine had a puppy and a kitten on it. They reminded me of my parents so I colored clothes on them. Some of the questions in the book were “who makes you happy” I said Mom. ” who makes you sad” I said Dad.
My teacher Ms.Brewer called me up to her desk to asked me what i meant by ” my dad makes me sad”. I shrugged my shoulders. He didn’t actually make me sad. Dad was just the opposite of mom and I was running out of answers. She sent me to the counselors office anyway.
That night at home was brutal. The school had called my parents. Frankie was screaming at me. Fire coming out of his eyes as hes telling me that i’m selfish. Hes demanding I tell him exactly what I told the counselor. And if I think I have it so bad I can go some where else. He put a roof over my head, he feeds me, he puts clothes on my back but im just a piece of shit that lies to counselors about being beat. There a huge lump in my chest.
I never said I was being beat at home. The counselor assumed everything when I wouldn’t speak to her. She took it as me being broken when really I just didn’t want to speak to her. She got me into trouble. I hate her.

” I wonder if they still love me”
” No they don’t” the monster says
” I didn’t say anything bad tho”
” Doesnt matter. Look at how happy they are now with their own baby. They dont need you any more. They got rid of Thomas and replaced him. Your next my friend. ”
I was starting to see what a real family looked like. I was pissed off. I was grew weaker and weaker. Allowing the monster to fill my head with negativity and doubt. The school was making me see the counselor once a week now. She had lip shaped candies. She always offered me some but I never took any. Nothing was wrong at home until she ran her big fat mouth. Now every things messed up. MY parents think I lied for attention.
” Do you feel like your mother doesn’t love you”..
I shook my head yes.
That is how I felt. I hadn’t really talked to her in weeks. We’ve been tip toeing around each other at the house. The monster was taking over.
I stood in my parents room as they slept. The baby was in a bassinet next to the bed. The monster wanted me to do awful things. I was so confused. I didn’t know how to do what he wanted me to. He told me that there’s not enough room for me and the baby. One of us had got to go. I remembered how my big brother tried to kill me and I reached for a pillow. It felt so heavy in my hands. My whole bodys shaking while the monsters screaming at me ” DO IT, DO IT”.
” I don’t want to get into trouble” I say.
When I woke up the next day I was unsure if it was just a bad dream or if I had really considered hurting the baby. I felt ashamed. Whats wrong with me?
Then I graduated the third grade.



41 Eye-Opening Quotes That Will Make You Notice What You Always Ignored

Thought Catalog

Inspired by the folks at AskReddit.
Sometimes you never realize the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. Dr. Seuss
A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built. A fortune cookie
Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. Calvin Coolidge
Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in a long-shot. Charlie Chaplin
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. Max Lucado
It is the mark of an educated mind, to entertain a thought without accepting it. Aristotle
Another flaw in the human character is that everyone wants to build and…

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Im back !

Readers! I am so sorry I have fallen off the face of the earth I know..

Since Ive been gone i have gotten a job working a register at a wal mart in town. and I also have a boy friend. I feel bad because writing is my passion yet i have completely abandoned you. My lap top has a virus and kicks me off at random but my moms suppose to have some thing thatll fix it. Im locked in my apartment with over 20 candles burning. The power went out due to the ice storm we are having. 

The other day at my register.. I was checking this older lady and she said ” see this girl right here…thats my grand daughter”…. she was showing me a picture in a magazine.. 

The fake me said ” oh wow how cool is that” but in my head I was thinking “congradufuckinlations….”  

She explained to me that her grand daughter is a blogger.. and I instantly said ” me too”! She said ” oh really honey?! Do you blog about fashion as well”? …  Umm No..  When I was done checking her out she said she would love to read some of my stuff and she asked for my link.. as I was writing it down i could barely remember what it was.. isnt that awful. As she walked away I was thinking ” damn she is going to think im a nut case “..

I wonder if she actually visited my blog or not. Its probably not her style! 

I think im going to jump off here.. my boyfriend is on his way over. More about him later. 


Rest In Peace

Recently an old classmate of mine died from cancer. She was diagnosed with a rare form of sarcoma in December.. and died in July. She was born with a small tumor on her spine that no one knew about until she became pregnant. The pregnancy hormones cause the tumor to grow. While she was pregnant she was diagnosed. She had a girl. She was never strong enough to care for her. Her daughter was 8 months old when she died.

Her family created a facebook page for her while she was undergoing treatment. I never went to visit her and I guess I should have. We weren’t that close but complete strangers were going to visit her so why wasn’t I ?  Hundreds of people attended her funeral.. I did not. 

My heart goes out to her and her family and all cancer patients..

But.. realistically she didn’t do anything exceptional. In school she was just another punk teenager with an attitude. Kind of like myself… Once she came down with cancer she was famous. And every one followed her story. I want people to follow mine as well but not because i’m dieing.. because i’m living.. 

I mean she didn’t cure cancer she just died from it…   

Why do we have to die to become important ?


Rest in Peace 

The Bosses Daughter pt 1

         I’m falling for the person I least suspected. Remember me talking about my uncles girlfriend.. that I call Juicy.. Well the other day I was rushing getting ready for a job interview and I had to stop by her place. Shortly after I got there a group of people walked up and she introduced me to them. Her daughter, daughters husband, her son and his girlfriend.

I was too much in a hurry to really care or notice. A few days after this I was hanging with Juicy when her son walked up. His name is Scotty. He is my age, 20. Very handsome, tall and dark.. not dark skinned but dark thick black hair and eyebrows..

I was shocked that something so attractive came from this women. Apparently his girlfriend and him had broken up and she went back to Washington which is where they all moved down from. We all sat out and chatted and I invited him back to my room to watch movies. I learned a lot about him. He was adopted when he was four because Juicy was so far out on dope she couldn’t take care of him ( or his 6 sisters). Unfortunately he was adopted by bad people, who were also on drugs. He was abused in every kind of way. Including sexually. This young man is so interesting to me..

He was kicked out from there home when he was young and had been homeless ever since. He finally found Juicy and she offered to help him. ( which is the least she can do)

Scotty and I were watching a movie and I noticed he was very sleepy so I told him he could lay his head down. He did and he was out in seconds. I watched him sleep for a long time. He looked so young. It made me sad that we were the same age and he had been through so much. He didn’t ask to be born or adopted out to bad people. Yet he gets treated like white trash. I rubbed his head.. I don’t think he noticed because he was asleep but sometimes I have really strong maternal instincts and I just wanted to take care of him. 

The only thing he has to his name is a back pack with 2 sets of clothes, deodorant, one pair of socks, and a couple old notebooks that he writes in. And here he was sleeping on my couch. This stranger.. my couch was probably the most comfortable thing hes slept on in a long time. 

I looked around my little apartment at all the things I owned. My bed, all my clothes, toys, computers..

He doesn’t even had a cell phone and thats just un heard of …

It’s very easy for me to put myself in some one elses shoes. I covered him up and the next morning I thought he had left. When I walked outside he was standing there smoking a cigarette. I have been locked in my room for days thinking of ways to die. Hadn’t heard from my parents in a while and here he was.. a friend.

We spent the whole day together on my couch talking. He didn’t know anything about movies that I would mention and he made a comment about homeless not really having a way to watch movies… made me sad. But I tried not to show it. So we watched movie after movie after movie. Ones I’ve seen a million times.

He made me feel important. He chose to spend his day with me. He was interested in the things I had to say. He took an interest in my art work. Every time our eyes met it was like we both had something we wished we could say but we weren’t going to be the first one. 

We sat on the couch when he hugged me. Oh my god.. human contacted… his chest is hard and he is warm. His arms are long and they fit all the way around me. Our cheeks were smashed together and when it was time to let go I took the opportunity and kissed his lips. He pulled back and I thought I had made a mistake.. 

” Your the bosses daughter”… he said 

I didn’t say anything. I studied his expression to see if I had really made a mistake and no I had not. He wanted me to kiss him. So with out a reply I kissed him again. This time he kissed back. We kissed a lot that night.

I noticed scars on his shoulder. He told me his adopted mom used to get drunk and high and cut him with glass. I wouldn’t have believed him if I hadn’t of seen it myself. His scars where the same as some of mine where I had cut myself with glass in the past. 

” Do you love your adopted parents at all.. I mean they did get you when you were only four”…. I asked

He said NO. 

We were spending a lot of time together and news traveled fast to my parents that we were ” an item”.. which we actually are not. Yet.

Mom called my uncle in jail who called Juicy from jail bitching her out. I could here her saying things over the phone like ” No they are just friends”! 

I chatted with my mom online and was trying to explain to her how cool Scotty was. She told me it was better off keeping my distance. He is nothing but a druggy. ( which he is not ) She reminded me that love doesn’t exist. and I said ” I know mom”.. 

She replied ” ok good “


I couldn’t believe my parents were interfering with my love life which isn’t even in existence. But they can’t bother me to make sure i’m alive once in a while. I felt bad because it hurt Juicys feelings. She didn’t want to talk to me about it but I squeezed it out of her. She said it hurts because its her son and that’s why hes not good enough for me.

Its all about status I told her.. then I asked her not to talk to Scotty about this. Please don’t discourage him to hang out with me. I am so lonely.

I guess she listened to me because I got to see him again. He told me he really likes me. He is really attracted to me and he thinks i’m going to go far in life. I told him I like him too and as long as I have a couch he will never have to sleep out side again. He is a really good kisser. I can still taste his cigarette breath. He said something to me that completely confirmed that he understands me..

He said ” there’s nothing wrong with being crazy, once you find a balance and you come to terms with your insanity , you can find ways to hide it from the people around you, and it gets easier.. eventually you too will start believing your not actually crazy. ”  

This could be a dangerous love affair. But it had inspired me to write another book. 

My first one is going to be titled Big Brother, my next one is going to be titled The bosses daughter. Keep an eye out for them someday..

And this journey begins. 



” See that man over there..”? My aunt ask me..  I looked out the truck window and there was a man laying on a bench in the park trying to sleep..


” Your uncle knows him.. He is gay…he was in love.. but something happened between him and his lover.. im not sure what.. he cut his lovers head off.. and walked right down this road here to a bar. Sat down, put his lovers head on the counter and said my friend and I need a drink. He spent time in prison and he’s been homeless since he’s been out.” 

” I gave him a sandwich”  I said.  ” What ..?” my aunt said

” When I have extra money I make sandwiches, drive around and give them to the homeless”. I explained to her

She asked me if I was scared. I told her no.


I spent the other day with my aunt Milissa. Shes married to my uncle Stacy on my moms side. We went dumpster diving. I was raised ” better then this” according to my parents. But I have no shame climbing in a dumpster and digging through trash to find things. 

It was my idea because my aunt barely has any clothes or shoes and I have no money to buy her any.. We were unsuccessful , because we quickly realized it was trash day.

I spent 20 years of my life living the way my parents wanted me to and as a result I am taking anti depressants, having no friends, been suicidal since I was little, not caring about anything, not even myself, my entire family hates me. So i’m going to try living it my way.. my parents would consider this the skanky way. So what if I get joy out of dumpster diving..its funny.

I have happier memories dumpster diving with my aunt then I do with my parents on Christmas.  



When or If I ever have children they will live under my roof no more then four feet
down the hall from me. I might even take the doors off the walls. I want them to
feel comfortable and close to me. Not like how I feel with my family.
When I was 12 they put a computer in my room. Thats how I discovered porn
and chatting with forty year old men online. I would even let them call me.
One time one threatened to kill me. I snuck out almost every night when I was 12.
Sometimes I would fall asleep outside, waking up with the sun and making
it back in bed before any one noticed. We never had family dinners .
Between the ages of 13 and 15 I practically
jumped from one friends couch to another. Then when I was turning 16 we
lived in a house so big… it was like I was the only one ever there.
I was living alone even in a house of people. I got so used to being alone
the randomest things make me uncomfortable. I can’t sleep with other people
in the room. Not even my parents. Sometimes when my skin touches my
families I get freaked out. I have no idea how to comminicate with them.
The idea of sleeping in the same bed as even as my own mother just sounds
crazy…. I feel so left out and so disconnected. I don’t want my kids to feel
like this. When I hug my little brother I feel theres so much pressure to show
love that it comes off like I dont love him. But I do.. The very few times I have
hugged my dad in my life it felt like I was hugging stone. Some times when I try
to hug my mother she pushes me away.
I havnt hugged my big brother very much since we were little.
I dont know whats changed.