When I woke up today (still at the new hotel) my God parents and their kids where here. I hadn’t seen them since I went to Florida with them a couple years back. My god father Scott had gastic bypass surgery and is so far down over 200 pounds. He looks very different. Happier and sadder in a way.
I wish I could have a quick fix too. I swam again today. When Its just me and Matty in the pool I don’t feel fat, but I dread the day some skinny women want to swim with us. Even though I own the hotel, the pool.. I know myself and I would probably leave.
I love swimming. You weigh nothing under water. I like to swim to the very bottom, lay myself out flat on my back and count the seconds it takes my body to surface on its own. I watch the bubbles race each other on my way up. I like how it feels free, hidden, Like momentarily i’m living in a different world.One in slow motion. I wish I could hold my breath longer.
When i’m diving I like feeling the heaviness of my hair. It feels so much longer under water. It dances around me. I could have been a beautiful mermaid. In fact I will be as long as i’m sitting at the bottom of the pool. It’s nice down there. Quiet.
I was in a beautiful world, one where my physical appearance matched who i was pretending to be. I made the mistake of swimming towards the edge of the pool.. its lined with tin. I could see my reflection. This stopped me. I put my hands on the tin to see if the figure moved with me. This was the outline of somebody else’s body. Or was this me?
It couldn’t be. I focused on the outline of this stranger long enough to get that sick feeling in my stomach..the one I get when I relies i’m fat..Sadness.
I could see the outline of my hair. Still dancing…This made me feel a little bit better. Its hard to find beauty when you look like this but the small beauty’s I find our the things that keep me from blowing my brains out.
Under water I don’t feel as trapped as I do when I’m walking across the earth day to day. If I could I would live underwater.
My chest started burning, so I blew one last set of bubbles and followed them to the surface. As soon as I broke through the water it was loud and uncomfortable again. I’ll never be the girl who walks around in her bikini on a hot day.
I got out of the pool, grabbed the towel, attempted to wrap it around me to hide but of course it doesn’t fit. I skipped through the breezeway, with one leg and a butt cheek hanging out… jetted around the corner of the hotel where I ran into a young man who had been staying there.
And for a split second when our eyes met I played out this entire scenario of us bumping into each other.. him helping me up having to touch my sexy, wet body.. the wind being cold against my wet hair.. drops of water rolling down my cheeks as he leans in for a kiss..
He just broke eye contact.. OH yeah I’m fat.. That guy didn’t give two shits about me, nor was I sexy to look at. In reality I probably looked like a beached whale. I shook it off though and ran to my room. I stripped down naked on my way to the shower, avoiding mirrors.
After my shower I had a conversation with my mother. We started talking about my weight. She doesn’t think I’ve tried hard enough to lose it. That I don’t really want to be skinny or I would be. She doesn’t understand.. shes skinny.
Its so funny how quickly I can forget I’m fat. And every time something happens Its like finding out all over again. Like I’m shocked. Like this happened over night.. Like everyone’s been lieing to me my whole life. Every one tells me i’m beautiful.. that i’m not fat just “thick” or “curvey” or “big boned”… But I know what I am and what I’m not.
I told mom I feel ugly. She told me to get over myself.
After a few hours we had done some research and got a little information on some weight loss surgery. She said she’d match what ever I saved for me to get it. So that might be a real possibility in the distant future.
I just want to look like who I am. I’m not a fat girl.. but I am.. So I have no choice but to act like one. I can’t wear shorts in the summer time. I can’t bat my lashes at men.. i’d be a joke. I dance and sing only behind locked doors. I never leave the house thinking I look good.. Its always ” well this is as good as its going to get..”
I used to cry all the time about being fat. I haven’t cried over it in a long time. I don’t want to ever except it. But maybe I should. Maybe I would learn to be happy like this. I could avoid mirrors forever. Pretend I’m skinny. Wear what I wanna wear.. Do what I wanna do..
But that would just be ridiculous. I’m tired of people asking me why I’m wearing a hoodie in August.