disconnected

When or If I ever have children they will live under my roof no more then four feet
down the hall from me. I might even take the doors off the walls. I want them to
feel comfortable and close to me. Not like how I feel with my family.
When I was 12 they put a computer in my room. Thats how I discovered porn
and chatting with forty year old men online. I would even let them call me.
One time one threatened to kill me. I snuck out almost every night when I was 12.
Sometimes I would fall asleep outside, waking up with the sun and making
it back in bed before any one noticed. We never had family dinners .
Between the ages of 13 and 15 I practically
jumped from one friends couch to another. Then when I was turning 16 we
lived in a house so big… it was like I was the only one ever there.
I was living alone even in a house of people. I got so used to being alone
the randomest things make me uncomfortable. I can’t sleep with other people
in the room. Not even my parents. Sometimes when my skin touches my
families I get freaked out. I have no idea how to comminicate with them.
The idea of sleeping in the same bed as even as my own mother just sounds
crazy…. I feel so left out and so disconnected. I don’t want my kids to feel
like this. When I hug my little brother I feel theres so much pressure to show
love that it comes off like I dont love him. But I do.. The very few times I have
hugged my dad in my life it felt like I was hugging stone. Some times when I try
to hug my mother she pushes me away.
I havnt hugged my big brother very much since we were little.
I dont know whats changed.

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