Forbidden Love

I find myself falling back into old habits. When I started my junior year at a new high school I met this boy. I went to a school that was 50 % Hispanics, 40% blacks, and 10 % of whites that thought they were black. Besides me of course. This boy and I were complete opposites. I was small white blonde he was very tall and very big built and black..and on the football team.. Im not sporty im more of a wall flower. I was never interested in black guys until him. We will call him Big.

 Big and I had art class together. He was in 10th grade.  I would catch him looking at me and he kinda intimidated me because of how different we were. He had a girlfriend. So we never really talked. But He would steal my notebooks and set them on high selves because he thought it was funny that I couldn’t reach them. 

One day in class the teacher told us to go around the room and practice drawing our friends eyes. I was the new kid so I just kinda sat back. Then Big came to my table and sat down and ask if he could draw my eyes. As he was drawing there was a moment when he looked up to look at my eyes and I felt something. He wasn’t just looking to draw, he was giving me THE LOOK. I felt my face turn red and I’m sure he noticed. But still we never really talked.

Later on in the year, one weekend I was staying at my friend Teas house. We were in the front yard when all of a sudden an oncoming car that had just passed us slammed on their breaks down the road from her house. I looked at her and said ” do you know them?.. there gonna beat us up..haha”..

It ended up being Big. He had seen my blonde hair he says. He came over to Teas that night when her mom left for work. The three of us had fun sitting on the internet, listening to music, laughing, careing on, ect. Not a whole lot of flirting or anything. So At the point I’m just glad to have a really cool guy friend. Teas mom pulled in the drive way too early from work and I ran him to the back sliding glass door to sneak out. Right as I shoved him out he glanced back and gave me that look again.

Like most young girls I over analysed everything and came to the conclusion that we were meant to be! Ugh. And here it begins.. In art I made a point to acknowledge him. We started sitting at the same table, just the two of us, and that stirred up a lot of drama. But I loved it. Most of it was just small talk and I had been trying to think of ways to get his number without asking for it. But I was so chicken shit so every day I would tell myself ” this is the day im going to get his number”.. then wouldnt.

Then one day sitting across from each other he asked if he could copy my english paper and so I handed him my notebook. When the bell rang he slid it to me and dashed out. I thought that was weird. I was sitting in my next class and when I went to grab my english paper to turn it in… BAM!!!  He had written his number at the top of it.. 

So he had also been thinking about it. This was such an ego boost and as soon as I got home I texted him. Now we were talking in art and here and there outside of school. But he did have a girlfriend so I never said anything out of line. I was being a good girl for a while..But I could feel myself wanting him and wondering what he was doing. 

It was a Saturday when he texted me asking what I was doing.. I was doing homework and he actually asked if he could come over! .. Well my step dad is against interracial dating.. but that just shows you how sprung I was because I risked it all sneaking him into my bedroom that day. We just sat on the bed and talked. There was a lot of tension.. sexual tension on my part.. I had only had one boyfriend before Big so I was still in that stage where its all so exciting. Long story short I made a FOOL out of myself.. I literally threw myself on top of him and tried to kiss him. He wouldn’t let me.. I was shocked! I swore that’s what we were getting at.. He picked me up and sat me on the bed and walked out. STUPID STUPID STUPID of me.

By now we only had one week of school left and it was nothing but testing. And yes we had a final in art class. When I walked in he didn’t look up. I sat behind him and ended up making a C on a damn art test because I was so worried about him hating me. I planned on talking to him when the test was over but as soon as the bell rang he ran out. Then it was summer time.

I didn’t bother trying to keep in contact. I spent my summer hanging out with my girlfriends. When my senior year started I had totally forgotten about the whole thing. Until I saw him. The messed up my schedule so I was running around trying to get it all fixed and I accidentally walked into the new art room, which was suppose to be the library. I almost bumped right into him.. and what are the chances my very first day back?  He was actually happy to see me and said oh cool are we going to have art together again.. and I sadly had to tell him no.

When I left the room I was so pissed! I should have signed up for art again!!!!

We didn’t have any classes together and I never saw him after that day. Maybe a glance of him down the hall way every now and again but we pretty much forgot about each other. Our school went under construction mid year so I had to go different paths to get from class to class and one of my new paths took me right to his locker.

For me it was like slow motion when I walked through the double doors as he was opening his locker.. he would always look for me and when he saw me he would raise an eye brow and do that half smile thing. One day when I passed him he stopped me and gave me a note.

It was just asking how I was doing and it had his phone number on it. Apparently he and his girlfriend had broken up over the summer and this time around when we were talking he made it very known that he liked me. We wrote notes back and forth constantly and since we didn’t have any classes together and neither one of us drove I would lie to my mom about ” after school activities” so she wouldn’t pick me up until late. We hid in the corner of one of the upstairs hall ways and we always just talked and sometimes we would hold hands and he’d pick on me for turning red. It was all pretty innocent. He texted me and asked me if the next time we could kiss. Walking to our secret meeting spot I was so nervous because I knew we had to kiss. We talked.. I beat around the bush and he put his hand on my face.. okay its coming… and we kissed.. 

” HEY WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING” …. It was the principal…  what luck.. 

Big didn’t even flinch but I was hyperventilating. I had never kissed a black guy.. and it felt very forbidden. Like when I lost my virginity. I was so terrified that the principal was going to tell my parents. Thank God he didn’t.. he just took our secret spot away. 

I was pretty much all ready for prom.. and hadn’t planned on asking him because we hadn’t made it ” official” and I didn’t want to jump the gun like I did last time. He ended up asking me if I would take him.. i was so happy..SO I told my mom about us.. we kept it a secret from dad, still to this day, and we went to prom together. It was amazing. We had gotten very close and comfortable with each other. We got a motel room that night. He was in the bed and i was kind of looking around not sure what to do or where to sit. He said ” get in bed and wear what you would normal wear when you went to sleep”… Which would be my underwear and no bra..

So I slid my pants off and hid under the covers. We watched t.v for a little while. Then he rolled over and started kissing me and touching me. He pulled me on top of him.. I had never been on top before!  So I just sat there.. he grabbed himself and put everything into position.. then I had to do my part.. and THAT felt forbidden…

That was our first time. He drove me to my friends house the next morning. He was being really nice and lovey ..but I was disappointed that he didn’t ask me to be his official girlfriend yet. The next day was graduation. I didn’t ask him to come but he did.. and he came for me because he fought through the crowd to find me and give me a hug. Everything was great. I just graduated and I was about to start this meaningful relationship with my forbidden love.

The next week it seemed harder and harder to reach him. The one day he just ended it all.
I was so heart broken. I called my best friend at the time crying my eyes out..She sounded busy and asked if she could just text me.. I hung up on her because I was so mad..SO confused.. and I hated to think that the two years of us was just so he could get into my pants one time!

I was the worst kind of heart broken I had ever been and I couldn’t even tell my mother. I was secretly in a funk. I gained weight. I lost some friends from lack of being social. I was different. But a short 3 months later he calls me. Stupid me.. we picked up where we had left off. We talked every day.. I was starting to get happier. I waited for his texts.. thats all my life consisted of. He was still in high school, still on the foot ball team so I went to one of his games to surprise him. I ran into some old friends and I was having a good time until one I was talking to one of my friends and she said ” its so weird …im so used to seeing you guys together and now he has a different girlfriend”…

MY heart stopped ” he has a girlfriend!?? We are still talking.. we are kind of together.. I mean not really but I mean a girlfriend!?.. ”
AS much as I HATE crying in public I couldn’t stop myself. It was water works. And I had to get out of there. That was the last night we talked for a while.

Im trying not to make this post drag out…

But .. I never let him go and I went to his graduation.. but I left right after. And he texted me and asked me if I was there that he had seen me.. and he invited me to his house. From there.. it was almost every night me driving to his moms house and we would stay up all night having sex.

I got even more attached and this lasted for a long time.. months .. We had said ” i love you” a couple times.. we talked about babies.. ect.

The one day I got a text.. he ended it.

That was about a year ago from today. I had night mares over this guy.. He traumatized me..

Im writing about this because out of the blue… I got a friend request on my facebook today from him. We have been texting all night long. He has apologized.. ect ect…

I can ALREADY feel myself wanting him..

PLEASE GOD HELP ME BE STRONG AND HAVE THE UPPER HAND. I KNOW I SHOULDNT HAVE TALKED TO HIM BUT I SIMPLY LOVE HIM. I WILL NOT GO SEE HIM. I WILL NOT LET HIM FUCK ME OVER.

-K

to be continued
love my dress

Faded

I went to long without posting. I am sorry. So here I go to try and catch up. A lot and very little has happened since my last post. But I’ll just go where I left off.

I was talking about the “lap band’ surgery. I attending the seminar with my mother. We arrived in her new Mercedes that my dad bought her for absolutely no reason. I never care to dress nice but I knew the actual doctor was going to be there so I made myself look half way decent. As we approached the front door unsure of where to go, there was a sea of very large people coming our way. I looked at mom and said ” I think these are the people we want to follow..”  She didn’t think it was funny. There was a sign in table. I waited my turn and mom stood off to the side, eye balling everyone, like shes better then them. 

When I bent over to sign my name the women sitting at the table said ” oh my god.. I love your hair… ”  I said thank you and I gave them my best smile. Apparently mom heard them but didn’t hear me and I got a little lecture on how Its rude to ignore people especially when they give you a compliment. 

We walked in. Most chairs were taken then mom pinched my arm and said ” you should probably sit closest to the front eh?”…another way she can make me feel fat. We sat in the second row. I have a bad habit of people watching. So does mom, but the difference is when I get caught I smile.. she doesn’t.  And she thinks i’m rude. I don’t look to be mean.. or because these people were really fat.. I just like to see what I can know about them just by looking. 

It took a minute for them to start the slide show. It gave mom plenty of time to insult me. She kept whispering things too me… but the loud whispering where everyone can still hear you. She was saying things like ” this is a waste of time.. you don’t even have insurance… this is going to be so expensive, I hope you don’t expect me and dad to pay for it… you need to just get off your ass..  get a job.. why can’t you just lose weight… my god.. like seriously.. if you have to have some kind of surgery.. I suggest a boob job…  ”  

That caught my attention.. I looked at her but she was eye balling my breast.. and she made a face like she smelled something bad.  ” Whats wrong with my boobs”?…

She smirked ” OH..nothing……” ..

I think the lady in front of me heard everything and she probably felt sorry for me.. She looked back and I almost died because I knew I had tears in my eyes. She gave me one of those ” poor kid” half ass smiles. When the doctors started talking and showing pictures and naming facts..mom would elbow me in my side every time she didn’t like or agree with something.. But we are so opposite of each other..it was getting on my nerves because I didn’t agree with her. I wish I hadn’t of asked her to go. 

At the end they went around the room and let people ask questions. Some were good questions and yeah some were stupid. Mom would roll her eyes, duck her head. rub her temples.. like she was just so tired of people around all the stupid people. Its so embarrassing because I know people think im just like her because we look the same.

When it was finally over, walking to the car she asked me if I was still interested in having it done now.. and I said yes. As soon as I get the money i’m doing it.

Pulling out there was a man crossing the road. He was looking right at me or I thought he was.. he was wearing sunglasses. When he got closer to the car he said ” you are just toooo much”… It was a compliment. But when mom asked me what he said I said I didn’t hear him. It embarrasses me to get complimented. Especially in front of her. She always has a way of ruining it.

A few days went by when she told me that she almost has dad talked into getting the surgery. Wow.. they are so against this.. made it clear they won’t help me but he is probably going to end up getting it.

More recently there was a little bit of drama..
Mom likes to get obsessed with things. Lately she has been watching youtube videos of people juicing. So she went out and spent 800 dollars on equipment to make the perfect juice.. Yeah, kinda ridiculous.
Anyways she wanted me to go to the grocery store then go to her house to juice with her.

Our shopping cart looked crazy.. and people were looking at us like we were insane… we had about 300 dollars worth of odd looking fruits and vegetables. We were laughing and making jokes about it. Actually having a decent time. I was loading the bags back into the cart when the cashier started questioning mom about her weird purchase. Mom said ” We are juicing to lose weight and be healthy like all the famous people”.. in a joking tone…I didnt think she was funny and neither did the cashier.. I said ” ha.. shes a freak”.

The three of us all laughed …

I started pushing the cart twards the exit door when mom out of the blue shoved me out of the way and took the cart from me. I had no idea what was wrong. When we got to the car she started by saying ” just because you hate yourself doesnt mean you can belittle me in front of strangers!”

” what are you talking about “? I asked.

” you called me a FREAK! A FREAK! …I bet that cashier thinks your a nothing but a little BITCH!!!”

” Mom.. I didn’t call you a freak.. it was a joke.. we were all joking”

” IF THAT WAS A FUCKING JOKE THEN I DONT GET YOUR SICK SENSE OF HUMOR CALLING YOUR OWN MOTHER A FREAK IN FRONT OF STRANGERS. (you just called me a bitch) YOUR HAVE SOME SERIOUS ISSUES.. YOUR WALK AROUND WITH A CHIP ON YOUR SHOULDER, THATS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. (i have friends) YOUR TWENTY YEARS OLD AND ALL YOUR GOOD AT IS GETTING FAT..WHY THE FUCK ARE CRYING? SERIOUSLY…GET OVER YOURSELF.. YOU SHOULD SEE THE WAY PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU. IF IT WASN’T FOR ME YOU’D BE LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE. YOUR JUST LIKE YOUR DAD.. ( whome Ive never met ) YOU TWO HAVE THE SAME CHARACTERISTICS .. AND BELIEVE ME EVERY ONE HATED HIM TOO.”

” mom.. your going too far..”

” OH NO I’M NOT.. ITS CALLED BEING HONEST… IM NOT EVEN BEING BRUTALLY HONEST.. IF I WAS GOING TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST WITH YOU I WOULD TELL YOU HOW YOUR UGLY”

By this time we had made it back to the motel.. to drop me off.. and Im frozen.. wondering how many times one single heart can break.
She said ” do you want to get out here or go to my house… HURRY..WHAT… WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO!?”

” Can we talk”?

” NO GET OUT! GO!!..”

My legs felt like noodles walking back to my room. I actually didn’t cry very long this time. I think my mom is bipolar. I think she is very unhappy and as mean as she is for me I cry mostly for her then I do for myself. She asks me why am I crying.. and the answer is because I feel so sorry for her. That I don’t understand where this comes from. I don’t understand why its so easy for her to hate me. But it is so hard for me to hate her back. I’m trying to move on.

I need prayer.

How can you love some one but hate them so much all at the same time. She didn’t have to be my mother. She could have given me away..

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People who are hardest to love need it the most. I am in need of love. I am slowly fading away.

-K

Surgery

June 13th I’m attending a lap band seminar. I recently got obsessed with this surgery and my god parents actually brought it up today. My god mother is having it done in a couple months. Lucky for her she has insurance so all she has to come up with is 300 dollars. I have to come up with ten grand. She said the company shes going through has a payment plan but I think that is very unlikely. I mean if I can’t make payment are the going to come rip the band out of my stomach? 

Mom seemed very supportive the first night we started talking about my options. But when I told her there was a seminar in town and that we are going she told me not to get my hopes up. Shes bad.. or good about telling me what I wanna here in the moment. I wish she wouldn’t do that with things this serious though. I think i’ll die if I don’t have this surgery. Not because I’m that big .. but because I mentally can’t be a ” fat girl” any longer. 

I’ve had an eating disorder for a couple years now. It started a few weeks before Graduation. That was a rough time for me. I was stressed over college and grades. I was losing my best friend at the time and a few days after I graduated my boyfriend at the time went m.i.a. Didn’t even officially break up with me just all of a sudden disappeared. It was nuts. I had a hard time letting go of school. When the following year started I actually drove to school that morning to watch the new students go in when the bell rang. And I cried because I wanted to get out of my car and go to class so bad. I’ll never miss anything more then I do highschool. 

I don’t know exactly what kind of eating disorder I have but it’s like a bingeing type. I’ll go a few days of apsolutly no appetite, only drinking coffee and soda..which is not healthy but no solids is what i’m saying. In those few days I have a guilt when It comes to eating so strong that it keeps me from eating. Then I go on a binge. Usually just one day, where all day i’m eating and wanting every kind of food I can get my hands on. I do not make myself throw up. So I wanna think its not that extreme. I’ve abused laxatives in the past. That started when I was about 16 till today. I have damaged my system probably permanently . I don’t go any more.. without help, and that’s very unhealthy. 

Once I was desperate to lose weight over night so I took too many and I ended up passing out on the bathroom floor. After that my parents locked up all their medicines and when I needed things like tylenol they would distribute it out to me. 

Its disappointed after all the damage I’ve done i’m still fat. At least anorexics are skinny by the end of it. I don’t know what cause me to have this disorder. My mom doesnt help though. Not that she really knows that much about me. But everytime I even looked at food growing up she would make comments like ” you sure you wanna eat that.. is it worth it”. 

Or when she was trying to hurt my feelings she would pick fun at me and tell me I think about food all the time and she doesn’t understand why. 

Anyways. This surgery is pretty minor. It only takes an hour and your up and walking within two hours after waking up. I just don’t know how I’m going to raise the money. I’m trying to get a job but no luck yet. I heard this story one time about this girl who put her virginity up for sale online to pay for college, and some really rich man was going to buy it. He was separated from his wife. But before they met he got back together with his wife but he still agreed to pay all her school expenses just because he could and she was beautiful. She fell into a thornless rose bush on that one.

I wish I could get that lucky.

If I had the money I would schedule my surgery tomorrow!

-K

” You won’t fin…

” You won’t find him trying to chase the devil
for money, fame, for power, out of grief
you won’t ever find him where the rest go
you will find him next to me

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
well, all I need is a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him next to me ”

Momentarily living in a different World

When I woke up today (still at the new hotel) my God parents and their kids where here. I hadn’t seen them since I went to Florida with them a couple years back. My god father Scott had gastic bypass surgery and is so far down over 200 pounds. He looks very different. Happier and sadder in a way. 

I wish I could have a quick fix too. I swam again today. When Its just me and Matty in the pool I don’t feel fat, but I dread the day some skinny women want to swim with us. Even though I own the hotel, the pool.. I know myself and I would probably leave. 

I love swimming. You weigh nothing under water. I like to swim to the very bottom, lay myself out flat on my back and count the seconds it takes my body to surface on its own. I watch the bubbles race each other on my way up. I like how it feels free, hidden, Like momentarily i’m living in a different world.One in slow motion. I wish I could hold my breath longer. 

 

 

 

 

When i’m diving I like feeling the heaviness of my hair. It feels so much longer under water. It dances around me. I could have been a beautiful mermaid. In fact I will be as long as i’m sitting at the bottom of the pool. It’s nice down there. Quiet. 

Image

I was in a beautiful world, one where my physical appearance matched who i was pretending to be. I made the mistake of swimming towards the edge of the pool.. its lined with tin. I could see my reflection. This stopped me. I put my hands on the tin to see if the figure moved with me. This was the outline of somebody else’s body. Or was this me?

It couldn’t be. I focused on the outline of this stranger long enough to get that sick feeling in my stomach..the one I get when I relies i’m fat..Sadness.

I could see the outline of my hair. Still dancing…This made me feel a little bit better. Its hard to find beauty when you look like this but the small beauty’s I find our the things that keep me from blowing my brains out. 

Under water I don’t feel as trapped as I do when I’m walking across the earth day to day. If I could I would live underwater. 

My chest started burning, so I blew one last set of bubbles and followed them to the surface. As soon as I broke through the water it was loud and uncomfortable again. I’ll never be the girl who walks around in her bikini on a hot day.

I got out of the pool, grabbed the towel, attempted to wrap it around me to hide but of course it doesn’t fit. I skipped through the breezeway, with one leg and a butt cheek hanging out… jetted around the corner of the hotel where I ran into a young man who had been staying there. 

And for a split second when our eyes met I played out this entire scenario of us bumping into each other.. him helping me up having to touch my sexy, wet body.. the wind being cold against my wet hair.. drops of water rolling down my cheeks as he leans in for a kiss..

He just broke eye contact.. OH yeah I’m fat..  That guy didn’t give two shits about me, nor was I sexy to look at. In reality I probably looked like a beached whale. I shook it off though and ran to my room.  I stripped down naked on my way to the shower, avoiding mirrors.

fat bottomed

 

After my shower I had a conversation with my mother. We started talking about my weight. She doesn’t think I’ve tried hard enough to lose it. That I don’t really want to be skinny or I would be. She doesn’t understand.. shes skinny.

Its so funny how quickly I can forget I’m fat. And every time something happens Its like finding out all over again. Like I’m shocked. Like this happened over night.. Like everyone’s been lieing to me my whole life. Every one tells me i’m beautiful.. that i’m not fat just “thick” or “curvey” or “big boned”… But I know what I am and what I’m not. 

I told mom I feel ugly. She told me to get over myself.

After a few hours we had done some research and got a little information on some weight loss surgery. She said she’d match what ever I saved for me to get it. So that might be a real possibility in the distant future. 

I just want to look like who I am. I’m not a fat girl.. but I am.. So I have no choice but to act like one. I can’t wear shorts in the summer time. I can’t bat my lashes at men.. i’d be a joke. I dance and sing only behind locked doors. I never leave the house thinking I look good.. Its always ” well this is as good as its going to get..” 

I used to cry all the time about being fat. I haven’t cried over it in a long time. I don’t want to ever except it. But maybe I should. Maybe I would learn to be happy like this. I could avoid mirrors forever. Pretend I’m skinny. Wear what I wanna wear.. Do what I wanna do..

But that would just be ridiculous. I’m tired of people asking me why I’m wearing a hoodie in August. 

-K

Mama

I am in Clarksville. My family recently bought a hotel here and we are in the process of remodeling and making it better. This is the first motel we’ve had that has a pool so that’s exciting. I spent the last few hours swimming with my little brother, Matty. Tonight we are sharing a room. While in the pool he asked me if we could stay up all night watching movies, then he asked me if we could sleep in the same bed.

A few nights ago I slept over at my moms house. She gave me an ambien for sleep. If your not familiar with ambien its a prescription sleep aide. But if you purposely  stay awake on one it can become a hallucinate. I have many stories being high on this drug. Well, she gave me one. I lay in my Mattys bed and he layed in the floor.. He had puppy dog eyes so I told him he could lay with me. I thought it would be awkward because we hadn’t laid in the same bed since he was an infant and now he’s as big as me. Plus I wasn’t wearing a bra. But being only eleven he is still a baby.. and laying with him didn’t feel awkward at all! It felt just like he was a baby again.

We lay there playing games on our phones. I didn’t even relize it when I fell asleep on him. I woke up and he had put a toy spider on my chest and it scared me. He started giggleing. We then stayed up for most of the night with the blanket over our heads taking pictures on our phone. I don’t remember falling asleep. I do remember us holding hands though. My mind went from telling him to lean in closer for the photo to being woken up hearing my moms voice.

” I knew he’d end up in he bed…” she said. I was so sleepy. But I crawled out of bed and went and sat with her. We both had coffee. She had a cigerate 

Later in the day I was still so sleepy and hadn’t even changed out of my pajamas. So I took a nap. I do this thing where I close my eyes but I still look.. I look at the inside of my eyelids and try to make shapes out of the random colors that I see. If I do it too long I get a head ache. But I still do it. This time my shape turned into a demon who was laughing at me and it made me jump. When I fell asleep I went right into the middle of a dream. I don’t remember a lot of the dream now but that same demon was in it.

I woke up scared, breathing heavily, sitting straight up in bed. That lasted for about ten seconds then I realized I was still dreaming. I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. I walked into the hall way of the house and got scared so I just back in the bed and threw the covers over my head. But then I couldn’t find my way out of them and I started to panic. I woke up a second time saying ” Mama”.. That too only lasted a few seconds until I really woke up to my little brother pulling the covers off me.

He said “.. are you gonna get up now?” I lay there there just staring at him not sure if he was real or I was still dreaming. I stared so long he got weirded out and left the room. I’m afraid I do that a lot to my family.. They think I’m so strange. I guess I am.
I fell back to sleep and woke up once again saying ” mama…mama”.. the last time I woke up was for real.

I jumped out of bed so I wouldn’t fall asleep again. My legs ached and I could barely walk. There really bad about locking up.

I’m having to hide my laptop away from Matty. No one I know had any idea that i’ve been blogging. Mom and I had talked about it in the past. She said I should blog about photography, arts and crafts.. certainly not my suicide attempts and how i love/hate everyone around me.
Matty just made a comment ” are you like blogging or something…”

Ha! Nope. No I am not.

I’m really glad I came with them this time. I was going crazy from loneliness. I hope with the constant swimming and helping around the hotel I hope I lose a few pounds.

More tomorrow.
I hope I can get some sleep tonight.

-K
matt and kelc on forwheeler in dyer.. age 15

I am a Wall Flower

   Last night I watched the movie ” The perks of being a wallflower”, if you have not seen that movie don’t continue reading because this post may be a spoiler.  I picked the movie up having no idea what it was about but I had been refereed to as a wall flower when I was in school. I looked it up and the meaning is simply ” Loner”.  

Another definition ..one I like better because I think it goes with me so well ..Wallflower: a person who sees things and keeps quiet about them, because they understand.  I am some what of a very understanding person. I’d like to think so. In this movie the main kid is a loner, who is a little crazy and suicidal but they don’t revile why until almost the very end. He has flashbacks of his aunt. The movie ended up being about him being molested by that aunt when he was very young but he remembers it like it is still happening even though it only happened once.

I related a lot to this movie. If you would have replaced the actor with a 13 year old chubby blonde it could have been about a chunk of my life.  I remember feeling the scratchy carpet on my legs. I wasn’t wearing any panties. He had a blanket draped over his body, covering both of us completely. He was holding himself. And rubbing me with it. It was day light out side because the sun was coming through the window and sometimes I can still see the silhouette of my uncle. I was four years old. We were in my parents bed room. I do not remember which uncle did this. But I am 110 percent sure it happened. I remember it in detail. The way it felt. My brother on the other side of the door knocking, wondering why he couldn’t play with us. I don’t remember it feeling good or hurting. But I remember it made me have to pee. But when I said I needed to potty he wouldn’t let me get up.

When I cry really hard, the pressure I feel in my chest is similar to the way it felt when his hand pushed me back down. I started to cry.. because I wanted my brother who stayed at the door the whole time. When my brother heard that I was crying he tried harder to come in screaming ” sissy!! sissy!!”.. My uncle got nervous and let me up. I ran to the door, unlocked it and into the hall way, where my brother and I held hands and ran away from him.. I still didn’t have any panties on. The memory cuts off there. My big brother kept him from going all the way. I know that if we weren’t connected at the hip my uncle could have gotten away with a lot more that day. I told my mom on my 18th birthday. I don’t know why but it had been on my mind all day that day. We were talking about something on the news when mom made a comment about not understanding child molesters. I guess she saw the look in my eyes because for the first time ever.. she knew something had happened. I told her and I was relieved to learn that she had absolutely no idea that this happened. Growing up in the back of my mind I was always afraid she knew and just hoped I didn’t remember.. like she almost allowed it to happen. It was a fear of mine. 

When the movie was over she asked me if I still think about it and I said yes. Because I do. Every move any of my uncles make, comments, anything I’m checking off a mental check list rather or not it could have been that uncle.

I’ve gotten a few leads here and there but nothing good enough to where I would have the nerves to ask them. And I mean there’s really nothing I can do about it today. I don’t even think i’d want to hurt them. They’ve all done time any ways. They’re all lived terrible lives. Not that this makes it okay. But I understand that none of them are right in the head.

  ” I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And we will never know most of them. But even though we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we have the power to choose where we are going from there. We can still do things. And just feel okay”

I hope my brother doesn’t remember. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t told mom. I don’t want her to picture it. I don’t want to put any more burdens on her or make her sad. I don’t want her to hate her brothers. The way I feel I hate them sometimes. 

Like in the movie.. it only happened once.. or at least once that I can remember..but I still think about it. I still cry sometimes. I feel guilty. I have to remind myself that I was a baby. Because sometimes I feel like I agreed to it.. how else did he lock me in that room?  But Theirs a sane side of me that knows this is the crazy talking.  My mom is THE ONLY ONE I HAVE EVER TOLD. Until now.. I am telling you, my friend. To my readers I just want you to know that you are  very special to me. 

 I know these will all just be stories someday, All our pictures will turn to old photographs, we will become some ones mom or dad. But right now, these are not stories, life is happening. In the dark of night, and it does get dark, I will scream out a name, and it will be your name. This is really really happening.. the moment when you realize that your not just a sad story, your alive.

-K

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“Experimenting”

I could write a book on white trash people. It blows my mind how ignorant they are. Just when you think they can’t surprise you they do.

I have seven uncles. I only talk to one, Bobby. Only because we technically live together. Last night I went to bingo with Juicy (uncles girlfriend). I play the free games because I can’t bring myself to buy losing pieces of paper. I watched her dig out a hidden twenty dollar bill from her wallet as she was explaining to the cashier girl how she hides money from her ” old man” … ( she’s 6 years older then him by the way). 

Skanks will spent five dollars.. and win two dollars and want to celebrate.. as if they really won something when in reality they lost money.

Juicy is addicted to bingo, scratch offs, alcohol, food, smoking weed, and her and Bobby are both sex addicts. After bingo I had dinner with them. We sat around the living room eating, and they started talking about lesbians. How Bobby has had threesomes in the past and how Juicy has hooked up with girls as well. Juicy said ” all woman experiment at least once in there lifes…” and she looked at me. I shook my head no and Bobby said ” Yes you have”. 

I said ” what are you talking about”!?  and he said ” Miranda”.  My heart fell into my butt. I couldn’t believe he would bring this up so casually.

What he is referring to was this..  Years ago Bobby was in a relationship with this other white trash named Lucy. Who had a daughter named Miranda. At the time I was four years old and Miranda was nine. She was sleeping over with me one night when we started playing ” doctor and patient”.  I was playing the role of patient while Miranda slowly slid my clothes up and down examining me. Back then I didn’t know she was touching my ” private parts”. Then she kissed me and mom walked in. Mom was so freaked out she called Lucy to come pick Miranda up. 

And we never saw each other again. When I was sixteen I looked her up on facebook and asked her about it. Because mom had never told me but I remembered it very clearly and just needed it to be confirmed. She confirmed everything, she tried to apologize but I told her she didn’t have to, obviously she was a child too and didn’t understand fully what she was doing. 

We talked for a little while and I found out that she had been severely molested by one of my other uncles, David. I had no doubts that she was telling the truth because I have memories as a kid of David asking me and my cousin Ashley to dance for him. He got so frustrated at me one night telling him to leave us alone he punched me in the face. The my cousin Jimmy tried to fight him back but he lost. We were both ten at the time. 

David was always the weird uncle to me. He would get drunk and say that the devil was inside him. He would scream and make devil noises. Grandma would have to calm him down. He is currently in prison for raping an under aged girl who ended up pregnant by him. Another cousin i’ll never know. He will be very old when he gets out and I don’t plan on ever seeing him again. 

I told Bobby that considering I was four years old I wouldn’t call that experimenting!  He can be such a fucking dumbass when he’s drunk. When I got back to my room I called mom to tell her what he had said and that it really embarrassed me. She didn’t know that David had molested Miranda and I kind of feel bad telling her. It’s hard that her brothers are such losers… I think of my brothers and how I would feel if anyone said something bad about them. 

Heres the status of all my uncles, in birth order.. Stacy is currently married to my aunt millissa who had a big hand in raising me, he is a very bad alcoholic and so skinny because he never eats, he is wittleing away quickly. My mom is second born. Jimmy who is married to Keri whome I can’t stand. He is a wife and child beater he is hard into drugs and he hates women. Mom and him havnt spoken in years. Terry, just got out of prison for murder, he is already back hard into the drug world again and married this chick named Nina that he’s only know for maybe a month, also hard into drugs and homeless. Bobby is living at my parents motel and working but he cant stop drinking long enough to get ahead. He is dating Juicy who sells dope and weed to all the brothers. Charlie has a beautiful sweet super christian wife and they have three kids together. He is actually some what decent but he can’t hold a job down so they are very poor. Jessie.. who I absolutely hate everything about. He was involved in the Tony Alomo clan so his ways of thinking are completely screwed up. He picked his wife out of a line up.. she is very dark black and they had I think.. seven mixed children.. They only have one today because they had to leave the others in the Tony Alomo house.. its really weird and hard to explain. But more cousins i’ll never know. Then there was Timmy. I never knew him but he was murdered a long time ago by gangsters apparently. 

My life could be a movie.. Except they’d have to lie because there are no happy endings. 

I need to clean my room.. More thoughts coming your way later. 

Again I have to think of people as if they were babies to help me love them again

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