“Experimenting”

I could write a book on white trash people. It blows my mind how ignorant they are. Just when you think they can’t surprise you they do.

I have seven uncles. I only talk to one, Bobby. Only because we technically live together. Last night I went to bingo with Juicy (uncles girlfriend). I play the free games because I can’t bring myself to buy losing pieces of paper. I watched her dig out a hidden twenty dollar bill from her wallet as she was explaining to the cashier girl how she hides money from her ” old man” … ( she’s 6 years older then him by the way). 

Skanks will spent five dollars.. and win two dollars and want to celebrate.. as if they really won something when in reality they lost money.

Juicy is addicted to bingo, scratch offs, alcohol, food, smoking weed, and her and Bobby are both sex addicts. After bingo I had dinner with them. We sat around the living room eating, and they started talking about lesbians. How Bobby has had threesomes in the past and how Juicy has hooked up with girls as well. Juicy said ” all woman experiment at least once in there lifes…” and she looked at me. I shook my head no and Bobby said ” Yes you have”. 

I said ” what are you talking about”!?  and he said ” Miranda”.  My heart fell into my butt. I couldn’t believe he would bring this up so casually.

What he is referring to was this..  Years ago Bobby was in a relationship with this other white trash named Lucy. Who had a daughter named Miranda. At the time I was four years old and Miranda was nine. She was sleeping over with me one night when we started playing ” doctor and patient”.  I was playing the role of patient while Miranda slowly slid my clothes up and down examining me. Back then I didn’t know she was touching my ” private parts”. Then she kissed me and mom walked in. Mom was so freaked out she called Lucy to come pick Miranda up. 

And we never saw each other again. When I was sixteen I looked her up on facebook and asked her about it. Because mom had never told me but I remembered it very clearly and just needed it to be confirmed. She confirmed everything, she tried to apologize but I told her she didn’t have to, obviously she was a child too and didn’t understand fully what she was doing. 

We talked for a little while and I found out that she had been severely molested by one of my other uncles, David. I had no doubts that she was telling the truth because I have memories as a kid of David asking me and my cousin Ashley to dance for him. He got so frustrated at me one night telling him to leave us alone he punched me in the face. The my cousin Jimmy tried to fight him back but he lost. We were both ten at the time. 

David was always the weird uncle to me. He would get drunk and say that the devil was inside him. He would scream and make devil noises. Grandma would have to calm him down. He is currently in prison for raping an under aged girl who ended up pregnant by him. Another cousin i’ll never know. He will be very old when he gets out and I don’t plan on ever seeing him again. 

I told Bobby that considering I was four years old I wouldn’t call that experimenting!  He can be such a fucking dumbass when he’s drunk. When I got back to my room I called mom to tell her what he had said and that it really embarrassed me. She didn’t know that David had molested Miranda and I kind of feel bad telling her. It’s hard that her brothers are such losers… I think of my brothers and how I would feel if anyone said something bad about them. 

Heres the status of all my uncles, in birth order.. Stacy is currently married to my aunt millissa who had a big hand in raising me, he is a very bad alcoholic and so skinny because he never eats, he is wittleing away quickly. My mom is second born. Jimmy who is married to Keri whome I can’t stand. He is a wife and child beater he is hard into drugs and he hates women. Mom and him havnt spoken in years. Terry, just got out of prison for murder, he is already back hard into the drug world again and married this chick named Nina that he’s only know for maybe a month, also hard into drugs and homeless. Bobby is living at my parents motel and working but he cant stop drinking long enough to get ahead. He is dating Juicy who sells dope and weed to all the brothers. Charlie has a beautiful sweet super christian wife and they have three kids together. He is actually some what decent but he can’t hold a job down so they are very poor. Jessie.. who I absolutely hate everything about. He was involved in the Tony Alomo clan so his ways of thinking are completely screwed up. He picked his wife out of a line up.. she is very dark black and they had I think.. seven mixed children.. They only have one today because they had to leave the others in the Tony Alomo house.. its really weird and hard to explain. But more cousins i’ll never know. Then there was Timmy. I never knew him but he was murdered a long time ago by gangsters apparently. 

My life could be a movie.. Except they’d have to lie because there are no happy endings. 

I need to clean my room.. More thoughts coming your way later. 

Again I have to think of people as if they were babies to help me love them again

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hatred vs compassion

I stayed up all night long texting my new crush. I haven’t met him in person yet but so far we have vibed really well. I crawled into bed around 6 this morning..

I didn’t get up until 4 pm. Which is terrible right! 

I still feel anger towards my mother. Matty texted me today and asked me to come over. I told him I wasn’t ready to see her. I hate breaking his heart, but i’m still too selfish.. 

Its really hard for me to put my family before myself.. But its a whole different story when it comes to strangers. I’ve changed grown mens diapers but I don’t feel I would do that for any grown men in my family. I know this is not a good quality.. and I’m trying to fix it.

To be less selfish, and instead of pretending to love them unconditionally, actually doing it. When a family member because pregnant I could honestly care less. But when I run into infants out in the world I instantly fall in love with them. 

Just the other day we had a man stay at our motel and he had his 8 month old baby girl with him. His room didn’t have a bathtub but mine does so he let me take the baby for an hour to bath her. I loved her so much.. I took a photo of us together.  I had no connection to this baby and chances are i’ll never see her again.  I’m so full of hate and so full of compassion at the same time. 

I love the innocence of babies so much. When I see adults doing wrong or acting foolish I picture them as babies and it helps me to love them again.

My busted lip is still very sore. I was afraid it was going to get infected so i doused it with rubbing alcohol. 

Speaking of alcohol. I’ve never been drunk. I’ve tasted a lot of different kinds but never enough to feel any effects. 

I’ve been curious about it lately. I see my uncles drinking and even though they take it way too far, I can see that they feel good.. 

This girl a few years older then me that I used to work with always kept wine in her house. Every night before bed she would get a really good “buzz” and she said it really relaxes her and helps her sleep. 

I’ve  tried every over the counter sleep aide and a few illegal ones. I’m so used to them none of them work for me anymore. 

My fear is that if I try alcohol i’ll get addicted. Because alcoholism runs in my blood line heavily on both sides. 

Too bad I just turned 20 and not 21.. or I would just go to the store and buy some. 

My mom would have a shit fit if she thought I was drinking..

I’m just curious. It might be a phase. I just need another form of release. 

Sober for now.

-K

 

Fear of Addiction

Speed, weed, dope, crank, sex, alcohol, sins of all kinds
How many ways can we distract our minds

Fear of addiction, moments of quarrels
losing of all my morals
Just habit of activity                                                                                                                                                 an addiction ,an obsession 

but Its not drugs

or sex or alcohol
don’t get the wrong Impression

Every day’s a battle
hanging on by a thread
I can’t Ignore the hazy thoughts
this ongoing war inside my head

I’m addicted to the numbness
I hide behind the pain
Its hard to talk about my Issues
because its even harder to explain

I’m addicted to sadness
that fills my eyes with tears
My mind begins to tangle
with an overload of fear
I’m addicted to loneliness
that makes me so up tight and the bitterness                                                                                                     that keeps me up at night, I’m addicted to the pity                                                                                                  that I see inside your eyes, when all that seems to come across                                                                            are sarcasm and lies

I’m addicted to anxiousness

that keeps me on these pills
multiple hospital trips
and all I see are bills
Habit of activity
an addiction
an obsession
It’s not drugs
or sex or alcohol
Its just simple depression….

-K

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