Rest In Peace

Recently an old classmate of mine died from cancer. She was diagnosed with a rare form of sarcoma in December.. and died in July. She was born with a small tumor on her spine that no one knew about until she became pregnant. The pregnancy hormones cause the tumor to grow. While she was pregnant she was diagnosed. She had a girl. She was never strong enough to care for her. Her daughter was 8 months old when she died.

Her family created a facebook page for her while she was undergoing treatment. I never went to visit her and I guess I should have. We weren’t that close but complete strangers were going to visit her so why wasn’t I ?  Hundreds of people attended her funeral.. I did not. 

My heart goes out to her and her family and all cancer patients..

But.. realistically she didn’t do anything exceptional. In school she was just another punk teenager with an attitude. Kind of like myself… Once she came down with cancer she was famous. And every one followed her story. I want people to follow mine as well but not because i’m dieing.. because i’m living.. 

I mean she didn’t cure cancer she just died from it…   

Why do we have to die to become important ?

-K 

Rest in Peace 

The Bosses Daughter pt 1

         I’m falling for the person I least suspected. Remember me talking about my uncles girlfriend.. that I call Juicy.. Well the other day I was rushing getting ready for a job interview and I had to stop by her place. Shortly after I got there a group of people walked up and she introduced me to them. Her daughter, daughters husband, her son and his girlfriend.

I was too much in a hurry to really care or notice. A few days after this I was hanging with Juicy when her son walked up. His name is Scotty. He is my age, 20. Very handsome, tall and dark.. not dark skinned but dark thick black hair and eyebrows..

I was shocked that something so attractive came from this women. Apparently his girlfriend and him had broken up and she went back to Washington which is where they all moved down from. We all sat out and chatted and I invited him back to my room to watch movies. I learned a lot about him. He was adopted when he was four because Juicy was so far out on dope she couldn’t take care of him ( or his 6 sisters). Unfortunately he was adopted by bad people, who were also on drugs. He was abused in every kind of way. Including sexually. This young man is so interesting to me..

He was kicked out from there home when he was young and had been homeless ever since. He finally found Juicy and she offered to help him. ( which is the least she can do)

Scotty and I were watching a movie and I noticed he was very sleepy so I told him he could lay his head down. He did and he was out in seconds. I watched him sleep for a long time. He looked so young. It made me sad that we were the same age and he had been through so much. He didn’t ask to be born or adopted out to bad people. Yet he gets treated like white trash. I rubbed his head.. I don’t think he noticed because he was asleep but sometimes I have really strong maternal instincts and I just wanted to take care of him. 

The only thing he has to his name is a back pack with 2 sets of clothes, deodorant, one pair of socks, and a couple old notebooks that he writes in. And here he was sleeping on my couch. This stranger.. my couch was probably the most comfortable thing hes slept on in a long time. 

I looked around my little apartment at all the things I owned. My bed, all my clothes, toys, computers..

He doesn’t even had a cell phone and thats just un heard of …

It’s very easy for me to put myself in some one elses shoes. I covered him up and the next morning I thought he had left. When I walked outside he was standing there smoking a cigarette. I have been locked in my room for days thinking of ways to die. Hadn’t heard from my parents in a while and here he was.. a friend.

We spent the whole day together on my couch talking. He didn’t know anything about movies that I would mention and he made a comment about homeless not really having a way to watch movies… made me sad. But I tried not to show it. So we watched movie after movie after movie. Ones I’ve seen a million times.

He made me feel important. He chose to spend his day with me. He was interested in the things I had to say. He took an interest in my art work. Every time our eyes met it was like we both had something we wished we could say but we weren’t going to be the first one. 

We sat on the couch when he hugged me. Oh my god.. human contacted… his chest is hard and he is warm. His arms are long and they fit all the way around me. Our cheeks were smashed together and when it was time to let go I took the opportunity and kissed his lips. He pulled back and I thought I had made a mistake.. 

” Your the bosses daughter”… he said 

I didn’t say anything. I studied his expression to see if I had really made a mistake and no I had not. He wanted me to kiss him. So with out a reply I kissed him again. This time he kissed back. We kissed a lot that night.

I noticed scars on his shoulder. He told me his adopted mom used to get drunk and high and cut him with glass. I wouldn’t have believed him if I hadn’t of seen it myself. His scars where the same as some of mine where I had cut myself with glass in the past. 

” Do you love your adopted parents at all.. I mean they did get you when you were only four”…. I asked

He said NO. 

We were spending a lot of time together and news traveled fast to my parents that we were ” an item”.. which we actually are not. Yet.

Mom called my uncle in jail who called Juicy from jail bitching her out. I could here her saying things over the phone like ” No they are just friends”! 

I chatted with my mom online and was trying to explain to her how cool Scotty was. She told me it was better off keeping my distance. He is nothing but a druggy. ( which he is not ) She reminded me that love doesn’t exist. and I said ” I know mom”.. 

She replied ” ok good “

 

I couldn’t believe my parents were interfering with my love life which isn’t even in existence. But they can’t bother me to make sure i’m alive once in a while. I felt bad because it hurt Juicys feelings. She didn’t want to talk to me about it but I squeezed it out of her. She said it hurts because its her son and that’s why hes not good enough for me.

Its all about status I told her.. then I asked her not to talk to Scotty about this. Please don’t discourage him to hang out with me. I am so lonely.

I guess she listened to me because I got to see him again. He told me he really likes me. He is really attracted to me and he thinks i’m going to go far in life. I told him I like him too and as long as I have a couch he will never have to sleep out side again. He is a really good kisser. I can still taste his cigarette breath. He said something to me that completely confirmed that he understands me..

He said ” there’s nothing wrong with being crazy, once you find a balance and you come to terms with your insanity , you can find ways to hide it from the people around you, and it gets easier.. eventually you too will start believing your not actually crazy. ”  

This could be a dangerous love affair. But it had inspired me to write another book. 

My first one is going to be titled Big Brother, my next one is going to be titled The bosses daughter. Keep an eye out for them someday..

And this journey begins. 

-K 

sandwiches

” See that man over there..”? My aunt ask me..  I looked out the truck window and there was a man laying on a bench in the park trying to sleep..

“Yes”…

” Your uncle knows him.. He is gay…he was in love.. but something happened between him and his lover.. im not sure what.. he cut his lovers head off.. and walked right down this road here to a bar. Sat down, put his lovers head on the counter and said my friend and I need a drink. He spent time in prison and he’s been homeless since he’s been out.” 

” I gave him a sandwich”  I said.  ” What ..?” my aunt said

” When I have extra money I make sandwiches, drive around and give them to the homeless”. I explained to her

She asked me if I was scared. I told her no.

 

I spent the other day with my aunt Milissa. Shes married to my uncle Stacy on my moms side. We went dumpster diving. I was raised ” better then this” according to my parents. But I have no shame climbing in a dumpster and digging through trash to find things. 

It was my idea because my aunt barely has any clothes or shoes and I have no money to buy her any.. We were unsuccessful , because we quickly realized it was trash day.

I spent 20 years of my life living the way my parents wanted me to and as a result I am taking anti depressants, having no friends, been suicidal since I was little, not caring about anything, not even myself, my entire family hates me. So i’m going to try living it my way.. my parents would consider this the skanky way. So what if I get joy out of dumpster diving..its funny.

I have happier memories dumpster diving with my aunt then I do with my parents on Christmas.  

 -K 

Mama

I am in Clarksville. My family recently bought a hotel here and we are in the process of remodeling and making it better. This is the first motel we’ve had that has a pool so that’s exciting. I spent the last few hours swimming with my little brother, Matty. Tonight we are sharing a room. While in the pool he asked me if we could stay up all night watching movies, then he asked me if we could sleep in the same bed.

A few nights ago I slept over at my moms house. She gave me an ambien for sleep. If your not familiar with ambien its a prescription sleep aide. But if you purposely  stay awake on one it can become a hallucinate. I have many stories being high on this drug. Well, she gave me one. I lay in my Mattys bed and he layed in the floor.. He had puppy dog eyes so I told him he could lay with me. I thought it would be awkward because we hadn’t laid in the same bed since he was an infant and now he’s as big as me. Plus I wasn’t wearing a bra. But being only eleven he is still a baby.. and laying with him didn’t feel awkward at all! It felt just like he was a baby again.

We lay there playing games on our phones. I didn’t even relize it when I fell asleep on him. I woke up and he had put a toy spider on my chest and it scared me. He started giggleing. We then stayed up for most of the night with the blanket over our heads taking pictures on our phone. I don’t remember falling asleep. I do remember us holding hands though. My mind went from telling him to lean in closer for the photo to being woken up hearing my moms voice.

” I knew he’d end up in he bed…” she said. I was so sleepy. But I crawled out of bed and went and sat with her. We both had coffee. She had a cigerate 

Later in the day I was still so sleepy and hadn’t even changed out of my pajamas. So I took a nap. I do this thing where I close my eyes but I still look.. I look at the inside of my eyelids and try to make shapes out of the random colors that I see. If I do it too long I get a head ache. But I still do it. This time my shape turned into a demon who was laughing at me and it made me jump. When I fell asleep I went right into the middle of a dream. I don’t remember a lot of the dream now but that same demon was in it.

I woke up scared, breathing heavily, sitting straight up in bed. That lasted for about ten seconds then I realized I was still dreaming. I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. I walked into the hall way of the house and got scared so I just back in the bed and threw the covers over my head. But then I couldn’t find my way out of them and I started to panic. I woke up a second time saying ” Mama”.. That too only lasted a few seconds until I really woke up to my little brother pulling the covers off me.

He said “.. are you gonna get up now?” I lay there there just staring at him not sure if he was real or I was still dreaming. I stared so long he got weirded out and left the room. I’m afraid I do that a lot to my family.. They think I’m so strange. I guess I am.
I fell back to sleep and woke up once again saying ” mama…mama”.. the last time I woke up was for real.

I jumped out of bed so I wouldn’t fall asleep again. My legs ached and I could barely walk. There really bad about locking up.

I’m having to hide my laptop away from Matty. No one I know had any idea that i’ve been blogging. Mom and I had talked about it in the past. She said I should blog about photography, arts and crafts.. certainly not my suicide attempts and how i love/hate everyone around me.
Matty just made a comment ” are you like blogging or something…”

Ha! Nope. No I am not.

I’m really glad I came with them this time. I was going crazy from loneliness. I hope with the constant swimming and helping around the hotel I hope I lose a few pounds.

More tomorrow.
I hope I can get some sleep tonight.

-K
matt and kelc on forwheeler in dyer.. age 15

on my mind

Day three of not hearing from my mom. It doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. 

You know that question everyone ask if me and so and so were about to fall over a cliff and you could only save one of us who would you save… For some reason every time I think about that question I get a sick feeling in my stomach because I know my mother wouldn’t save me.

Regardless of what you say there absolutely is a favorite in every family. I am not the favorite. But I was before my little brother was born. And sure I was extremely jealous of him at one point in life.

But my mom forced me to be. She was very obvious in who her favorite was. Always making comments.. and things she does that she doesn’t even notice. when I was a child my mom was pretty much M.I.A . When it came to school she was extremely univolved. She never knew my grades (but she always assumed they were bad) she never knew about detentions or awards. Nothing. I felt like I could do anything because I was not going to get into trouble. My brothers in 5th grade and over the years she has met with all the teachers, volunteered, signed him up for sports, fund raised for his clubs, done his home work for him, and allows him to miss as much school as he wants.

She brags on him so heavily it makes you sick. Hes so smart, hes so accomplished for his age, hes reading on this level and doing math on that level, he is so handsome and perfect in every way. Its her fault I hated him for so long. But I love him so much today. I really do. We are so much alike.. more then she’d ever notice, In a lot of ways he is just like me. Our sense of humor is the same.. everything. 

I grew up in the country and I begged for a four wheeler my whole life. When I was 14 they bought my baby brother a four wheeler.. and I was not allowed to ride on it because I was ” too fat”…

I remember coming home from school when I was ten, to find my mom passed out on the couch holding the baby, about to drop him in the floor and I went over and took him from her before he fell.  I wanted to be held too. More recently I had spent the night at my moms house.. I slept in mattys room and in the morning I woke up to her sitting on the bed rubbing my arms.. and my first thought was how weird it felt to be touched and .. “loved on” by her.. because it had been so long. 

Sometimes I just want to hold her hand and it really annoys her. I have to wrap her arms around me for a hug and half the time shes rolling her eyes. One thing I love about Matty when ever I hold out my hand he’ll hold it .. as long as his friends aren’t around. I have this thing about his hands..I think because when he was an infant I would hold his hands in mine.. and even now that his hands are as big as mine they still feel small to me.. like he’s a baby. 

I wish she would text me. I don’t know why. It’s really hard to stay mad at your mom. But she owes me an apology, at least. 

If I won the lottery I wouldn’t think twice about disappearing. I think my family needs to miss me for a while. 

I can’t believe its already 7 pm.. I’m going to get ready and go to the gym. 

-K 

Mothers Day

Today is Mothers Day.

I haven’t spoken to my mom since she dropped my off yesterday after our fight.

I’m still too angry at her to care if its mothers day or not. I’m waiting for her to text me first. She said something to me that is going to haunt me for ever. She said when I have children she’s going to ” treat them like shit” to see how I like it..

Because of this I will never leave my children with her alone. I don’t trust her to be a good grandparent. I really want to but I can’t. Who says things like that?

I’m afraid I will never understand her. How can we be so connected but so far away from each other. I’m afraid it’ll be too easy some day to move on from her. I never wanted that. I want the kind of mother daughter relationship that’s inseparably.

I’m sitting here on mothers day thinking that maybe I should never be a mother. The only reason I want children is so I won’t be alone. Like having a baby is a guaranteed love and commitment with some body. They NEED you. But the love is NOT guaranteed. Some day that baby won’t need you any more, and in some cases that baby won’t even want you any more.

It would be the most selfish thing I could do to have children. I have absolutely nothing to give to them, except the love in my heart and that’s not good enough. I don’t have a stable life to give them. I don’t have loving grandparents to give to them. I can’t promise they won’t inherent my depression. I can’t keep them from heartbreak. I don’t know if my children are going to grow up to hate me.  I can’t promise them the world or a father that loves them. The only thing I can guarantee is love, food in their tummys, and that I would never hit them or call them names. I have seven uncles and I can almost guarantee none of them will give two shits about my children. I don’t even have enough people to invite to my wedding some day. I have no body. I have nothing. But myself.  I wish I had more. I wish I could adopt an entire family.

My life plans and goals change almost daily. And today I don’t plan on having children.

As a child all we want in the whole world is for our mothers to love us unconditionally. I’ve known for a long time that my mother doesn’t.. but I still can’t move on from it. I can’t fully except it because it seems too horrible. I could deal with having cancer easier then I could if my mother was to tell me she doesn’t want me.

I feel crazy inside my head most days. I want to do something amazing before I die.

-K

motivate me..

” NOTHING TASTE AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS”…

That’s what my mother always tells me. I’m proud of myself I’ve been to the gym twice since my last post. I just got home from the gym tonight and i am definitely feeling it. I ran into my inspiration tonight. This old classmate of mine, she had been really big in school and has lost about 50 pounds and she looks good!.. when I saw her before and after on the internet I was instantly like .. okay now its my turn!

I’m down ten pounds from my starting weight and 2 months into my membership. I can do much better though….

My goal is to lose ten more pounds this month.

I’ve got to stay motivated!  Does any one out there have any tips or advice??

-K