The Bosses Daughter pt 1

         I’m falling for the person I least suspected. Remember me talking about my uncles girlfriend.. that I call Juicy.. Well the other day I was rushing getting ready for a job interview and I had to stop by her place. Shortly after I got there a group of people walked up and she introduced me to them. Her daughter, daughters husband, her son and his girlfriend.

I was too much in a hurry to really care or notice. A few days after this I was hanging with Juicy when her son walked up. His name is Scotty. He is my age, 20. Very handsome, tall and dark.. not dark skinned but dark thick black hair and eyebrows..

I was shocked that something so attractive came from this women. Apparently his girlfriend and him had broken up and she went back to Washington which is where they all moved down from. We all sat out and chatted and I invited him back to my room to watch movies. I learned a lot about him. He was adopted when he was four because Juicy was so far out on dope she couldn’t take care of him ( or his 6 sisters). Unfortunately he was adopted by bad people, who were also on drugs. He was abused in every kind of way. Including sexually. This young man is so interesting to me..

He was kicked out from there home when he was young and had been homeless ever since. He finally found Juicy and she offered to help him. ( which is the least she can do)

Scotty and I were watching a movie and I noticed he was very sleepy so I told him he could lay his head down. He did and he was out in seconds. I watched him sleep for a long time. He looked so young. It made me sad that we were the same age and he had been through so much. He didn’t ask to be born or adopted out to bad people. Yet he gets treated like white trash. I rubbed his head.. I don’t think he noticed because he was asleep but sometimes I have really strong maternal instincts and I just wanted to take care of him. 

The only thing he has to his name is a back pack with 2 sets of clothes, deodorant, one pair of socks, and a couple old notebooks that he writes in. And here he was sleeping on my couch. This stranger.. my couch was probably the most comfortable thing hes slept on in a long time. 

I looked around my little apartment at all the things I owned. My bed, all my clothes, toys, computers..

He doesn’t even had a cell phone and thats just un heard of …

It’s very easy for me to put myself in some one elses shoes. I covered him up and the next morning I thought he had left. When I walked outside he was standing there smoking a cigarette. I have been locked in my room for days thinking of ways to die. Hadn’t heard from my parents in a while and here he was.. a friend.

We spent the whole day together on my couch talking. He didn’t know anything about movies that I would mention and he made a comment about homeless not really having a way to watch movies… made me sad. But I tried not to show it. So we watched movie after movie after movie. Ones I’ve seen a million times.

He made me feel important. He chose to spend his day with me. He was interested in the things I had to say. He took an interest in my art work. Every time our eyes met it was like we both had something we wished we could say but we weren’t going to be the first one. 

We sat on the couch when he hugged me. Oh my god.. human contacted… his chest is hard and he is warm. His arms are long and they fit all the way around me. Our cheeks were smashed together and when it was time to let go I took the opportunity and kissed his lips. He pulled back and I thought I had made a mistake.. 

” Your the bosses daughter”… he said 

I didn’t say anything. I studied his expression to see if I had really made a mistake and no I had not. He wanted me to kiss him. So with out a reply I kissed him again. This time he kissed back. We kissed a lot that night.

I noticed scars on his shoulder. He told me his adopted mom used to get drunk and high and cut him with glass. I wouldn’t have believed him if I hadn’t of seen it myself. His scars where the same as some of mine where I had cut myself with glass in the past. 

” Do you love your adopted parents at all.. I mean they did get you when you were only four”…. I asked

He said NO. 

We were spending a lot of time together and news traveled fast to my parents that we were ” an item”.. which we actually are not. Yet.

Mom called my uncle in jail who called Juicy from jail bitching her out. I could here her saying things over the phone like ” No they are just friends”! 

I chatted with my mom online and was trying to explain to her how cool Scotty was. She told me it was better off keeping my distance. He is nothing but a druggy. ( which he is not ) She reminded me that love doesn’t exist. and I said ” I know mom”.. 

She replied ” ok good “

 

I couldn’t believe my parents were interfering with my love life which isn’t even in existence. But they can’t bother me to make sure i’m alive once in a while. I felt bad because it hurt Juicys feelings. She didn’t want to talk to me about it but I squeezed it out of her. She said it hurts because its her son and that’s why hes not good enough for me.

Its all about status I told her.. then I asked her not to talk to Scotty about this. Please don’t discourage him to hang out with me. I am so lonely.

I guess she listened to me because I got to see him again. He told me he really likes me. He is really attracted to me and he thinks i’m going to go far in life. I told him I like him too and as long as I have a couch he will never have to sleep out side again. He is a really good kisser. I can still taste his cigarette breath. He said something to me that completely confirmed that he understands me..

He said ” there’s nothing wrong with being crazy, once you find a balance and you come to terms with your insanity , you can find ways to hide it from the people around you, and it gets easier.. eventually you too will start believing your not actually crazy. ”  

This could be a dangerous love affair. But it had inspired me to write another book. 

My first one is going to be titled Big Brother, my next one is going to be titled The bosses daughter. Keep an eye out for them someday..

And this journey begins. 

-K 

Love in the making

I don’t normally talk about this kind of personal stuff with others but I really want to blog this one out.  I met this guy. Over a dating app called OkCupid. We will call him Cupid. We talked for about a week messaging back and forth. He said he wanted to meet me. I know its dangerous but I hadn’t had any male attention in a long time. So I invited him over.

He ended up being beautiful. Tall, dark and handsome. Sweet looking brown eyes. Long dark lashes, perfect shaped lips with the perfect facial hair. We lay on the bed on our backs talking for literally hours. It was so comfortable like we had known each other for years. He opened up telling me about his younger years growing up in a broken home, selling drugs at a young age. How he wound up doing time for a while and what he learned from it. It didn’t seem like that type. I really think he learned his lesson. He told me about his goals in life. His next steps in life..

It was great not having to dig or keep conversation going. I could feel heat coming off his arm the whole time and it was making me giddy inside. But I didn’t want to act like a creeper. We had talked like we were brother and sister so at this point I was thinking he didn’t see anything in me sexually. I wasn’t disappointed. I was thinking if anything we could maintain a great friendship. 

He got up to go use my bathroom when he came out instead of laying back down next to me he crawled on top of me. He got real close to my face and I felt my heart racing. I said ” what are you doing”? Then he kissed me. 

Like love in the making… His kisses were soft and wet. He stuck his tongue in my mouth and I actually liked it. I hadn’t planned on sleeping with him when I invited him over. But his kisses …and when I looked up into his eyes I felt close to him. I was caving in.

a warm embrace, a tilted head, the need of release, a bond instead. 

After moments of kissing he stood up off the bed and asked me to get naked with him. This was actually a lot more lovable in person then it seems typed out. We both slipped our clothes off and for the first time I didn’t try to hide my body. We got back in the bed, him on top of me..more kissing.

I could feel him wanting me and it made me nervous. Not nervous because I was about to sleep with him but nervous because I wanted him to like it.. He looked down at me and said ” are you ready”… This was the first time any one had asked me if I was ready.. And This was the first time I felt I was ready. I slowly shook my head Yes.

A whispered prayer, a single kiss, then a moment of utter bliss.

Fire works went off.. It felt different with him. Better. We moved as one. The only sounds were of wetness, kissing and heavy breathing. Its like we couldn’t get close enough. Our eyes kept locking. I broke the stare a few times. I didn’t want him to think I was pathetic. Even with my naked chest out in the open I never caught him looking down. He would focus on my lips then back to my eyes. He kissed my shoulders and I kissed his. He tasted so sweet. He felt strong on me. Like if he wanted to he could have held me down but I knew he would never do something like that to hurt me.

Tonight he is mine. 

We spent the entire night in bliss together as one. I felt like I could have laid in bed with him forever. He is in the middle of an apprenticeship that keeps him out of town during the week. So I only have weekends. Which is good because I feel if I could see him every day I would.

 I feel it could be easy to be jealous or insecure when it comes to him. I’m afraid of him because I feel I could fall in love with him easily. Dr. Sues said you know your in love when you cant sleep at night because for once reality is better then your dreams. But others have said that love at first site can be cued by taking a second look.

I miss him. We have texted back and forth a little since this amazing night. I hope I hear from him often. I hope he wants to see me again. I don’t want a boyfriend.. but I wouldn’t mind having a weekend boyfriend.. I shouldn’t set myself up for failure.

I hate being a woman. I hate that my head and my heart have to battle over love. Usually I’m very good at separating love and lust.. when there’s a potential relationship and when it’s just sex. I couldn’t tell with this one. This one is a challenge. 

Most signs point to it being just sex. Right before he left he had said something about ” if we ever got serious”.. I’m kicking myself for not paying better attention. I wish I could remember exactly what was said.

Your love is like a storm, gathering in the night, I chased across the sky, and a moment in your arms becomes the reason why. 

There is no way I could throw our night together into the category of guys that were just “hook ups”. So what do I do from here. I’m going to let it all pan out on its own.. I’ll keep you updated. 

” When the power of Love overcomes the Love of power, the world will know Peace.” 

-K

hatred vs compassion

I stayed up all night long texting my new crush. I haven’t met him in person yet but so far we have vibed really well. I crawled into bed around 6 this morning..

I didn’t get up until 4 pm. Which is terrible right! 

I still feel anger towards my mother. Matty texted me today and asked me to come over. I told him I wasn’t ready to see her. I hate breaking his heart, but i’m still too selfish.. 

Its really hard for me to put my family before myself.. But its a whole different story when it comes to strangers. I’ve changed grown mens diapers but I don’t feel I would do that for any grown men in my family. I know this is not a good quality.. and I’m trying to fix it.

To be less selfish, and instead of pretending to love them unconditionally, actually doing it. When a family member because pregnant I could honestly care less. But when I run into infants out in the world I instantly fall in love with them. 

Just the other day we had a man stay at our motel and he had his 8 month old baby girl with him. His room didn’t have a bathtub but mine does so he let me take the baby for an hour to bath her. I loved her so much.. I took a photo of us together.  I had no connection to this baby and chances are i’ll never see her again.  I’m so full of hate and so full of compassion at the same time. 

I love the innocence of babies so much. When I see adults doing wrong or acting foolish I picture them as babies and it helps me to love them again.

My busted lip is still very sore. I was afraid it was going to get infected so i doused it with rubbing alcohol. 

Speaking of alcohol. I’ve never been drunk. I’ve tasted a lot of different kinds but never enough to feel any effects. 

I’ve been curious about it lately. I see my uncles drinking and even though they take it way too far, I can see that they feel good.. 

This girl a few years older then me that I used to work with always kept wine in her house. Every night before bed she would get a really good “buzz” and she said it really relaxes her and helps her sleep. 

I’ve  tried every over the counter sleep aide and a few illegal ones. I’m so used to them none of them work for me anymore. 

My fear is that if I try alcohol i’ll get addicted. Because alcoholism runs in my blood line heavily on both sides. 

Too bad I just turned 20 and not 21.. or I would just go to the store and buy some. 

My mom would have a shit fit if she thought I was drinking..

I’m just curious. It might be a phase. I just need another form of release. 

Sober for now.

-K

 

roses

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I lay alone at night

and dream of you

but the roses have wilted

and the violets are dead

dreams turn into nightmares

when I sleep alone in bed

The sun isn’t rising                                                                          IMG_3422-002

the sky isn’t clear

there’s no silver lining

because the end is near

could this be tears

that leaves me with pain

could this be my worst fears

bringing on the rain

Rain keeps on pouring

clouding my mind

no worth restoring

closer to the unkind

Your emotions burned

hotter then the sun

But time can’t be turned

nor actions undone

like words that you said

” I love you”

 

then being misled

if only you knew..

The way that we cared

a love that ran deep

the memories shared

a friend I could keep

wanting to forget what you know

but then you don’t

knowing you should just let go

but knowing you wont

his eyes are blue

and to wake up missing you

my lips stained red

with images of us burned in my head

The Roses remain wilted

The violets; dead

 

-K