hatred vs compassion

I stayed up all night long texting my new crush. I haven’t met him in person yet but so far we have vibed really well. I crawled into bed around 6 this morning..

I didn’t get up until 4 pm. Which is terrible right! 

I still feel anger towards my mother. Matty texted me today and asked me to come over. I told him I wasn’t ready to see her. I hate breaking his heart, but i’m still too selfish.. 

Its really hard for me to put my family before myself.. But its a whole different story when it comes to strangers. I’ve changed grown mens diapers but I don’t feel I would do that for any grown men in my family. I know this is not a good quality.. and I’m trying to fix it.

To be less selfish, and instead of pretending to love them unconditionally, actually doing it. When a family member because pregnant I could honestly care less. But when I run into infants out in the world I instantly fall in love with them. 

Just the other day we had a man stay at our motel and he had his 8 month old baby girl with him. His room didn’t have a bathtub but mine does so he let me take the baby for an hour to bath her. I loved her so much.. I took a photo of us together.  I had no connection to this baby and chances are i’ll never see her again.  I’m so full of hate and so full of compassion at the same time. 

I love the innocence of babies so much. When I see adults doing wrong or acting foolish I picture them as babies and it helps me to love them again.

My busted lip is still very sore. I was afraid it was going to get infected so i doused it with rubbing alcohol. 

Speaking of alcohol. I’ve never been drunk. I’ve tasted a lot of different kinds but never enough to feel any effects. 

I’ve been curious about it lately. I see my uncles drinking and even though they take it way too far, I can see that they feel good.. 

This girl a few years older then me that I used to work with always kept wine in her house. Every night before bed she would get a really good “buzz” and she said it really relaxes her and helps her sleep. 

I’ve  tried every over the counter sleep aide and a few illegal ones. I’m so used to them none of them work for me anymore. 

My fear is that if I try alcohol i’ll get addicted. Because alcoholism runs in my blood line heavily on both sides. 

Too bad I just turned 20 and not 21.. or I would just go to the store and buy some. 

My mom would have a shit fit if she thought I was drinking..

I’m just curious. It might be a phase. I just need another form of release. 

Sober for now.