I find myself falling back into old habits. When I started my junior year at a new high school I met this boy. I went to a school that was 50 % Hispanics, 40% blacks, and 10 % of whites that thought they were black. Besides me of course. This boy and I were complete opposites. I was small white blonde he was very tall and very big built and black..and on the football team.. Im not sporty im more of a wall flower. I was never interested in black guys until him. We will call him Big.
Big and I had art class together. He was in 10th grade. I would catch him looking at me and he kinda intimidated me because of how different we were. He had a girlfriend. So we never really talked. But He would steal my notebooks and set them on high selves because he thought it was funny that I couldn’t reach them.
One day in class the teacher told us to go around the room and practice drawing our friends eyes. I was the new kid so I just kinda sat back. Then Big came to my table and sat down and ask if he could draw my eyes. As he was drawing there was a moment when he looked up to look at my eyes and I felt something. He wasn’t just looking to draw, he was giving me THE LOOK. I felt my face turn red and I’m sure he noticed. But still we never really talked.
Later on in the year, one weekend I was staying at my friend Teas house. We were in the front yard when all of a sudden an oncoming car that had just passed us slammed on their breaks down the road from her house. I looked at her and said ” do you know them?.. there gonna beat us up..haha”..
It ended up being Big. He had seen my blonde hair he says. He came over to Teas that night when her mom left for work. The three of us had fun sitting on the internet, listening to music, laughing, careing on, ect. Not a whole lot of flirting or anything. So At the point I’m just glad to have a really cool guy friend. Teas mom pulled in the drive way too early from work and I ran him to the back sliding glass door to sneak out. Right as I shoved him out he glanced back and gave me that look again.
Like most young girls I over analysed everything and came to the conclusion that we were meant to be! Ugh. And here it begins.. In art I made a point to acknowledge him. We started sitting at the same table, just the two of us, and that stirred up a lot of drama. But I loved it. Most of it was just small talk and I had been trying to think of ways to get his number without asking for it. But I was so chicken shit so every day I would tell myself ” this is the day im going to get his number”.. then wouldnt.
Then one day sitting across from each other he asked if he could copy my english paper and so I handed him my notebook. When the bell rang he slid it to me and dashed out. I thought that was weird. I was sitting in my next class and when I went to grab my english paper to turn it in… BAM!!! He had written his number at the top of it..
So he had also been thinking about it. This was such an ego boost and as soon as I got home I texted him. Now we were talking in art and here and there outside of school. But he did have a girlfriend so I never said anything out of line. I was being a good girl for a while..But I could feel myself wanting him and wondering what he was doing.
It was a Saturday when he texted me asking what I was doing.. I was doing homework and he actually asked if he could come over! .. Well my step dad is against interracial dating.. but that just shows you how sprung I was because I risked it all sneaking him into my bedroom that day. We just sat on the bed and talked. There was a lot of tension.. sexual tension on my part.. I had only had one boyfriend before Big so I was still in that stage where its all so exciting. Long story short I made a FOOL out of myself.. I literally threw myself on top of him and tried to kiss him. He wouldn’t let me.. I was shocked! I swore that’s what we were getting at.. He picked me up and sat me on the bed and walked out. STUPID STUPID STUPID of me.
By now we only had one week of school left and it was nothing but testing. And yes we had a final in art class. When I walked in he didn’t look up. I sat behind him and ended up making a C on a damn art test because I was so worried about him hating me. I planned on talking to him when the test was over but as soon as the bell rang he ran out. Then it was summer time.
I didn’t bother trying to keep in contact. I spent my summer hanging out with my girlfriends. When my senior year started I had totally forgotten about the whole thing. Until I saw him. The messed up my schedule so I was running around trying to get it all fixed and I accidentally walked into the new art room, which was suppose to be the library. I almost bumped right into him.. and what are the chances my very first day back? He was actually happy to see me and said oh cool are we going to have art together again.. and I sadly had to tell him no.
When I left the room I was so pissed! I should have signed up for art again!!!!
We didn’t have any classes together and I never saw him after that day. Maybe a glance of him down the hall way every now and again but we pretty much forgot about each other. Our school went under construction mid year so I had to go different paths to get from class to class and one of my new paths took me right to his locker.
For me it was like slow motion when I walked through the double doors as he was opening his locker.. he would always look for me and when he saw me he would raise an eye brow and do that half smile thing. One day when I passed him he stopped me and gave me a note.
It was just asking how I was doing and it had his phone number on it. Apparently he and his girlfriend had broken up over the summer and this time around when we were talking he made it very known that he liked me. We wrote notes back and forth constantly and since we didn’t have any classes together and neither one of us drove I would lie to my mom about ” after school activities” so she wouldn’t pick me up until late. We hid in the corner of one of the upstairs hall ways and we always just talked and sometimes we would hold hands and he’d pick on me for turning red. It was all pretty innocent. He texted me and asked me if the next time we could kiss. Walking to our secret meeting spot I was so nervous because I knew we had to kiss. We talked.. I beat around the bush and he put his hand on my face.. okay its coming… and we kissed..
” HEY WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING” …. It was the principal… what luck..
Big didn’t even flinch but I was hyperventilating. I had never kissed a black guy.. and it felt very forbidden. Like when I lost my virginity. I was so terrified that the principal was going to tell my parents. Thank God he didn’t.. he just took our secret spot away.
I was pretty much all ready for prom.. and hadn’t planned on asking him because we hadn’t made it ” official” and I didn’t want to jump the gun like I did last time. He ended up asking me if I would take him.. i was so happy..SO I told my mom about us.. we kept it a secret from dad, still to this day, and we went to prom together. It was amazing. We had gotten very close and comfortable with each other. We got a motel room that night. He was in the bed and i was kind of looking around not sure what to do or where to sit. He said ” get in bed and wear what you would normal wear when you went to sleep”… Which would be my underwear and no bra..
So I slid my pants off and hid under the covers. We watched t.v for a little while. Then he rolled over and started kissing me and touching me. He pulled me on top of him.. I had never been on top before! So I just sat there.. he grabbed himself and put everything into position.. then I had to do my part.. and THAT felt forbidden…
That was our first time. He drove me to my friends house the next morning. He was being really nice and lovey ..but I was disappointed that he didn’t ask me to be his official girlfriend yet. The next day was graduation. I didn’t ask him to come but he did.. and he came for me because he fought through the crowd to find me and give me a hug. Everything was great. I just graduated and I was about to start this meaningful relationship with my forbidden love.
The next week it seemed harder and harder to reach him. The one day he just ended it all.
I was so heart broken. I called my best friend at the time crying my eyes out..She sounded busy and asked if she could just text me.. I hung up on her because I was so mad..SO confused.. and I hated to think that the two years of us was just so he could get into my pants one time!
I was the worst kind of heart broken I had ever been and I couldn’t even tell my mother. I was secretly in a funk. I gained weight. I lost some friends from lack of being social. I was different. But a short 3 months later he calls me. Stupid me.. we picked up where we had left off. We talked every day.. I was starting to get happier. I waited for his texts.. thats all my life consisted of. He was still in high school, still on the foot ball team so I went to one of his games to surprise him. I ran into some old friends and I was having a good time until one I was talking to one of my friends and she said ” its so weird …im so used to seeing you guys together and now he has a different girlfriend”…
MY heart stopped ” he has a girlfriend!?? We are still talking.. we are kind of together.. I mean not really but I mean a girlfriend!?.. ”
AS much as I HATE crying in public I couldn’t stop myself. It was water works. And I had to get out of there. That was the last night we talked for a while.
Im trying not to make this post drag out…
But .. I never let him go and I went to his graduation.. but I left right after. And he texted me and asked me if I was there that he had seen me.. and he invited me to his house. From there.. it was almost every night me driving to his moms house and we would stay up all night having sex.
I got even more attached and this lasted for a long time.. months .. We had said ” i love you” a couple times.. we talked about babies.. ect.
The one day I got a text.. he ended it.
That was about a year ago from today. I had night mares over this guy.. He traumatized me..
Im writing about this because out of the blue… I got a friend request on my facebook today from him. We have been texting all night long. He has apologized.. ect ect…
I can ALREADY feel myself wanting him..
PLEASE GOD HELP ME BE STRONG AND HAVE THE UPPER HAND. I KNOW I SHOULDNT HAVE TALKED TO HIM BUT I SIMPLY LOVE HIM. I WILL NOT GO SEE HIM. I WILL NOT LET HIM FUCK ME OVER.
-K
to be continued
thefallofman313 